My son is very strong-willed, just like his dad, and me. It’s tough because we live in a world where strong wills are seen as a good thing until that child must fit in somewhere. Like school or church or sports teams.
My strong-willed son has never responded well to punitive action, and threats don’t cut it either. Ever since he was a baby, he has marched to the beat of his own drum, and while that is a good thing, it’s also difficult. The public school system is not set up for children who march to the beat of their own drums, or to whom punitive action is something to be negotiated. But secretly, I love this about him, he is solid and strong in himself and his thoughts and vision for his life. It is wonderful to behold and tough to advocate.
It would seem strong wills are supposed to be broken down and tamed, conformed and controlled, the child is made to think there is something wrong with them, they are somehow inadequate because they do not see and process things the way that the rest of society deems as “the right way.” Yet these personality traits are exactly all the things that are suddenly supposed to propel them through college and into the “real” world.
Parents are led to believe their child needs to be medicated because they won’t sit still or pay attention for long periods of time forgetting that most adults can’t sit still or pay attention for long periods of time. When what children need to do is to run around and burn off that excess energy, they are forced to sit still and if they don’t they are punished by having their free time (and their movements) restricted during their woefully inadequate recess time, yet because they don’t get to run around and burn off that energy they have even more trouble controlling themselves, so they get more restriction as punishment, and round and round it goes. It’s so messed up.
It hurts my heart to think of all the kids (especially little boys) whose parents do not know better for whatever reason, be it language, race, or socioeconomic reasons, and do not advocate for their child. Who take the word of the underpaid, overworked stressed-out teachers that there is something wrong with their kids and they need to be controlled and punished without question.
Why is different still so ostracized? Out loud everyone extolls the virtues of kids being themselves and supported no matter what, but where the rubber meets the road, the reality is completely the opposite.
I have parented my child in Colorado, New Zealand, and the South, and even though all stages and ages have had their challenges, by far the most difficult has been the Carolinas.
People talk and act in circles, you never really know what’s going on, because nobody is honest with you or themselves or their feelings, let alone their motives and actions. And if you ask questions about anything, – because you want to understand – people get defensive and you effectively get ghosted, out of conversations, their inbox, and events.
I am yet to understand why asking questions makes people so defensive.
This brings me to my own conclusions. From my 20 or so years in this country, I have observed many things, yet the way children get lumped into boxes of definition is by far the most disturbing. And while the “no child left behind” thing looks good on paper; it just means the whole school system is set up for the dumbest kid. Which is none of them!
We do our children an injustice by not expecting greatness from them, not just academic or scholastic achievements, but a higher standard in their behavior, their responsibility, and their self-control. Children are not stupid, and they quickly pick up on all the unsaid expectations of the adults around them. If the adults are continually expecting them to mess up and misbehave, they most certainly will.
Here’s a radical idea: why don’t we start championing our children, raising them up with strength and respect; not just intellectually, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as well. Let’s instill in them a sense of purpose, that they are good people and capable of anything they put their minds to. I’m not encouraging raising a bunch of entitled little a*holes but teaching them to be decent humans.
This means we have to be decent humans.
Can we stop this self-perpetuating cycle of holding them down and holding them back? Punishing them pre-emptively, and institutionalizing them in the school system is an antiquated ideal.
We tend to forget they will be part of a world that we will not see, so let’s build them up to be constructive forces for good. Not emotionally stunted and wounded souls drifting into adulthood, unsure of themselves.
That’s what I think anyway.
Recent Comments