As a woman entering the second half of life (because yes, I’m going to live to be 100), I’ve been navigating a tumultuous period over the past five years. Separation, divorce, the harsh realization of not providing my child with the life I had imagined for him, and feeling trapped in a country that seems to be spiraling downward have all taken their toll. Despite my efforts to focus on the bigger picture and set goals for myself, it often feels like I’m running up a grease-covered hill on a rainy day. Sometimes, I just stop and wonder: what is it all for?
I’m worn out and not where I want to be, but the frustrating part is, I don’t even know where I want to be. I just know I don’t want to be here. Living in this area of the U.S.A has been challenging, to say the least. People here stick to themselves, and the passive-aggressive culture is suffocating. Everything feels fake and phony. It’s a stark contrast to what I’ve been lucky enough to know most of my life.
The Struggle of Finding Genuine Connection
I think one of the things I miss the most at this point in my journey is having friends to do life with. I’ve had them before. In fact, as my recent trip home showed me, I still have them, just far away from here. Of all the issues I’ve had in my life, making great friends was never one of them, until I moved to the South. Here, building meaningful connections has been like trying to catch a fart in a bottle (as my nana used to say). The social fabric here feels different—alienating, even. There’s a sense of insularity that’s hard to penetrate, especially when you’re feeling a little unsteady and could really use a friend,(thank goodness for the internet!) and it’s left me feeling isolated and disheartened. Sure I’ll make friends with another divorced woman for a minute, then they get a significant other and the friendship is over. Apparently middle-aged single divorced women cannot make friends with anybody else but other middle aged single divorced women. I enter each friendship open and with authenticity and think that we are building a friendship, until it becomes obvious that we are not. I was obviously just a curiosity, a distraction or someone to uplift them in a moment of doubt. (Due to my apparent character flaw of wanting to leave people better than I find them, I’m starting to question that habit, especially as it is seldom reciprocated in these parts…)
But it’s not just about having someone to grab coffee with or chat about the weather. It’s about deep, authentic connections, hanging out for casual meals and drinking wine around the firepit and just being. People who know you, who understand your story, and who support you unconditionally. People who have one of your house keys on their key ring and you have theirs. Friends who celebrate your victories, no matter how small, and who offer a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. Women and men of all ages and stages in life. Friends. Not just the superficial vibes so abundant around these parts. In my experience, (which is substantial) these relationships are the bedrock of a fulfilling life, and their absence is profoundly felt in mine.
The Quest for Purpose
In the absence of these connections, I often find myself questioning the purpose of it all. When life feels like a series of uphill battles, it’s easy to lose sight of what I’m striving for. Not one to have a victim mentality I understand how easy it would be to fall into blaming mode: it’s not my fault I’m stuck here, I tried to save my marriage, I can’t go home, etc, waa waa waa. But that’s not my style. I’m more amazed at how decisions not taken lightly by me, still ended up blowing up in my face. The goals I set sometimes feel like arbitrary markers on a never-ending path for what? Without a clear destination or the company of kindred spirits, the journey feels increasingly arduous and, at times, pointless. It makes me consider things like fate and God’s will.
Yet, despite the overwhelming sense of frustration and exhaustion, there’s a part of me that clings to hope. These lessons are transformative, I remind myself that life’s purpose isn’t always a grand, well-defined mission. Sometimes, it’s about the small, incremental steps we take every day. It’s about finding moments of joy and connection in the midst of chaos. It’s about defining ourselves and rediscovering our passions and nurturing them, even when the world around us feels bleak. I consider it an act of rebellion to bloom where we are planted.
Redefining Success
Success and fulfillment don’t always come in the forms we expect. They’re not always about career achievements, financial stability, or societal approval. Often, they’re found in the quieter, less celebrated aspects of life. They’re in the hobbies that bring us peace, the books that transport us to different worlds, the moments of solitude that allow us to reflect and grow.
Living here has forced me to reevaluate my definitions of success, contentment, and fulfillment. It’s taught me to look inward, to find strength and resilience within myself. It’s made me appreciate the value of small victories and the importance of self-compassion. While I may not have found the deep friendships I long for, I’ve learned to be my own best friend—to support and encourage myself in ways I never thought possible. Cos it turns out, I’m worth it.
Moving Forward with Intention
So, what’s the point of anything anyway? Perhaps it’s to keep moving forward, even when the path is unclear. To hold on to hope, even when it feels like everything is falling apart. To seek out moments of joy and connection, no matter how fleeting they may be. And to remember that, even in the darkest times, we have the power to shape our own narratives and find meaning in the journey.
I may not have all the answers, and I certainly don’t have it all figured out. But I do know that I’m not alone in this struggle. Many of us are searching for purpose and connection in a world that often feels disconnected and chaotic. I think by sharing our stories and supporting each other, we can find strength and solace in our shared experiences.
So, here’s to finding purpose in the midst of uncertainty. Here’s to embracing the journey, no matter how challenging it may be. And here’s to believing that, even when it feels like we’re running up a grease-covered hill on a rainy day, we’re still making progress, one step at a time.
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