My son was 8 when he was bullied daily by a smart-mouthed kid. There were no physical bruises, but a lot of psychological ones. They were in the Gifted & Talented program, and their teacher was out for 3 months on maternity leave.

The substitute did nothing, even after she told me that he cried at school every day and had done it for weeks, sharing the knowledge in the same way a teacher lets you know that your kid left their jacket at school. She refused requests to meet. Her response was that she “didn’t get paid enough to be available for meetings,” I contacted the guidance department. I contacted both the Assistant Principals and the Principal. After 3 weeks of contacting the school every day I met with the Principal. 

Turns out the bully was well known in the school and the way she spoke about him, he was some clever little scamp loved by everyone

I didn’t love him, at that point I fucking hated the arrogant little shit who was making my kid’s life a living hell, there was no way for me to speak to his parents, because why should they be alerted to their kid’s destructive behavior, because nobody else in his class had reported him. Also, the substitute didn’t get paid very much so couldn’t be blamed for not having time to meet.

W.T.F.

The message was clearly implied: sit down, shut up, and deal. Do not rock the boat. There is nothing wrong here.

As the days turned into months, my son’s personality changed, and his grades started slipping. He became withdrawn and regularly told me he wished he could just fall down the stairs or get hit by a car on his bike so he didn’t have to go to school. 

I did my best to build him up at home, hoping to mitigate the damage being done. 

I let him know he was loved, every day. That I was always on his side and we would get through this. I got him into the kid’s ministry at church, taught him that God was with him always, attended cub scouts where he had other friends, got a dog, he played outside with the neighborhood kids, and I wrote daily uplifting notes for his lunch box. Everything I could think of to balance out the situation at school, to offer different perspectives of himself and his life.

Inside, I was frantic, feeling like everyone was blowing me off. Sure, everybody talked a big “non-bullying” game, but nobody was willing to do anything. This only set my resolve. I did not stop. 

I spoke to the guidance department weekly, and although they were very sympathetic over the phone, they didn’t do much either. 

I searched for solutions everywhere, and I spoke to his Pediatrician. She had known him since he was 3 and, noticing the change in him, offered some constructive ideas.

It didn’t help that my husband and I fought almost every day, with him drinking and partying every night. Our family unit was disintegrating and I could not hold it together. He was not interested in what was happening to our son, he just told him to “man up” and hit the other kid. 

Near the end of the school year I emailed the school requesting that in the following year, my child was not put in the same class as that child. 

Again, crickets. When I resent the email, they sent me paperwork to remove him (my son) from the gifted and talented program. 

When I asked why I was told that they had not read my original email and were just following protocol. What protocol? Nobody could tell me.

Thus began my disillusionment with the “zero bullying” policies, which are so proudly broadcast. Especially at that school. What it actually meant was “zero done about bullying” especially if it’s “just” name calling and being shunned and mocked. Every single day.

We switched schools the following year, and I’m happy to report he did not become another “tragic statistic” of school bullying. 

My heart breaks for all the kids whose parents do not know how to advocate for their children.

Six years later and we live in a different state. Recently I saw bullying in action in the workplace. A coworker who worked closely with a senior member of staff was sick of covering his blunders and picking up his slack while putting up with his derogatory, racist, and misogynist commentary and the disrespectful way he spoke to her. She had asked him on multiple occasions not to speak that way to her, which of course made him see the error of his ways and he immediately took positive action to control his inappropriate language and behavior.

Hahaha. No. This is the real world. 

She went to the GM because his snarky attitude and language were unbearable. He scoffed at her, taunting her that she’d be the one who ended up fired, because ‘they’ (the owner and the GM) wouldn’t do anything to him. He was untouchable apparently. As most upper middle-aged white men in senior positions tend to think they are. 

After not hearing anything from the GM for a week, she emailed again, and CC’d the owner -who is involved in the company – because my coworker believed that the company was run by good leaders who would do the right thing. 

As a result, the coworker was demoted and sent to work in another office (forcing her to commute an hour a day longer), and given a pay cut, while they “looked into it.”

Then the coworker who had ceased picking up the extra slack for the senior staff member got another pay cut, because she had stopped doing his job, and was uneventfully fired one afternoon, by the GM and the head accountant.

I’m sure there’s so much more to that story, I mean there always is, isn’t there? Nobody was talking.

But from the next lane over, it looked like the senior staff member, owner and GM were the bullies. Intimidating the younger staff member who had worked for the company for 2 years, compared to the GM’s 20+ and senior staff member’s 10. 

She reached out thinking she was doing the right thing. All the other staff that have worked with said senior staff member have experienced his incompetence and covered for him at one point or another, and those of lower rank have also been called into his office at some point to be berated for not doing something he didn’t communicate in the first place.

The GM and the owner did not talk to anyone else about his alleged behavior, so I’m not sure what their “looking into it” involved.  Again the implied message is: sit down, shut up, and deal. Do not rock the boat. There is nothing wrong here.

Now we get a faceless robo HR company emailing us every month asking about how we all felt at work last month.

We can create all the ”feel good,” “take a stand,” content we want, but unless people understand it’s their behavior that needs to change, nothing ever will. It just gets pushed further and further under the surface. Again.  Sit down, shut up and deal. Do not rock the boat. There is nothing wrong here.

I feel that as humans we are on a continual cycle of the same themes around and around, over and over.

Seemingly too stupid to learn from the past because our cars drive further and faster, and we have bigger houses and better tech. Our brains are bigger now. But our blinders are bigger and our hearts are smaller.

What fools we are.