Genre: Fiction

Subject: Mental Health

Nation-X

Clouds

by Bridget May

CHAPTER 1: A Dark Cloud

Heidi Hipp took the last box of photos out of the wardrobe and put it on the bed, she couldn’t believe she had so many old photos! It really was time to get rid of all this old stuff cluttering up her home, it was all belongings she hadn’t looked at in years. Heidi thought that spending a day or two decluttering her home would be time well spent, it seemed she hardly ever got to spend time at home.

 Being an astronaut was her childhood dream and she loved her job, but after several years of being dedicated to her calling she had been feeling lately like she had neglected so many other things in her life, she had been experiencing a feeling she wasn’t familiar with, was it regret? Sadness? Everything seemed so dreary and dull, she wasn’t interested in anything anymore and felt guilty that there was such a mess every time she came home. Her work had been her entire life and had always felt like it was the right thing to do, it’s all she wanted to do, “sailor among the stars” was so magical and exciting, and it had been. She had no complaints about her career choice. It was her home life that seemed to bring her down, but now it was spilling over into the rest of her life as well, it was like she had a dark cloud hanging over her all the time. 

 Heidi sighed and sat on the bed next to the box, whatever the feeling was, she didn’t like it. 

She had always known exactly what she was feeling and never had any problems defining or expressing herself. Somehow, she had reached a point where she didn’t feel she could trust her emotions anymore, taking a couple of personal days off work seemed like a good idea, she never used all her vacation days, it was time to get on top of whatever was dragging her down and to purge all this stuff that just seemed to have built up. Because that’s all it was. Stuff.

 As she took the lid from the box an old photo fluttered out onto the floor, Heidi bent down to pick it up, it was taken on her wedding day, the photo was yellowed and curling at the edges, one of the hundreds that were taken that day that did not make it to the wedding album, she studied herself in the photo, she and Julian sitting at the head of the wedding table, gazing at each other in a personal intimate moment, looking so young and happy and in love, she didn’t ever remember seeing this one before, it was like she was looking at a different person, where was that wedding album? She knew Julian must have kept it, the breakup had been so hard on him, he held on for so long. Heidi sighed, feeling impatient with herself, and studied the photo further. They were full of joy, gazing at each other wide-eyed and full of hope, they were so in love, that the world was at their feet. So many dreams and wishes for their future. Nothing had turned out the way they thought it was going to, she had been so excited to be accepted into the astronaut basic training program, and marry the man she loved, but little did she know Julian had expected that she was going to give up all her dreams to dedicate her time and energy to a family. Heidi sighed.

While she looked at the photo and remembered how everything fell apart, she was aware of an uncontrollable sadness washing over her, her eyes filled with tears and she started crying, big fat hot tears rolling down her face. She suddenly felt so guilty and sad about how so much of her personal life she had let fall away in her own pursuit of goals and aspirations. She was always so sure it was the right thing to do, she had felt it and known since she was a child that she was going to be an astronaut, there had never been any doubt. 

This flood of tears caught her by surprise, she wasn’t an emotional woman. She had always been detached from her emotions, she preferred logic and reason to navigate her world. This felt strange and foreign to her, she did not like it at all.

But she had no control over this, Heidi sat down on the bed again and sobbed uncontrollably,

What was wrong with her?  It was all in the distant past, why was she upset about it now?

CHAPTER 2: Facing Herself

      Heidi was bought back into the room by her doorbell ringing, she put down the photo and pondered for a minute whether she should just ignore it, “No,” she spoke sternly to herself out loud, “I can’t pretend I’m not home.” She knew her car was in the driveway, so not answering the door would just be rude. 

 Heidi heard the doorbell again., “I’m coming!” she shouted impatiently while bustling towards the door, she grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. 

At the door Heidi peered through the peephole, it was Molly Leap in her school uniform. She looked nervous and was looking down at her shoes. Standing at the bottom of the stairs Heidi could see the Leap family’s housekeeper Lucy. Heidi knew the Leap family and their housekeeper, Lucy, from various community activities she had been involved in since moving to Peace City some time ago. 

 Heidi sighed. What is this about? She opened the door with a stern, “Yes….?”

     Molly shuffled her feet and looked like she might turn and bound away, she was a younger version of her sister and mother, her long graceful limbs, and defined features made her a very pretty girl. She had a pink bow at the base of her left ear and her eyes were bright. No doubt she would mature to be as beautiful as her mother and sister within a few years.

Molly cleared her throat and looked back at Lucy for reassurance, Lucy nodded and smiled at her. 

       Heidi softened a little, she could see Molly was very nervous.

      “Hello, Ms. Hipp.”

     “Hello, Molly.”

     “Ms. Hipp, I’ve come to ask if you could help me…”

      Heidi didn’t say anything, she was wondering if she would start crying again, she smiled down at her and hoped it was convincing.

    “What is it, child?”

     “I have to write a paper for school on a person we admire in our community,” Molly was overcoming her nervousness and starting to speak faster with excitement, “and right away I thought of you!! I’ve always wanted to be an astronaut too, and I’d like to ask you some questions, if that is OK, it’s only a short paper, and it’s not due for two weeks so we don’t have to do it now, it will just be a quick interview, but if we could do it now, that would just be so great…” Molly looked up at her expectantly.,

Lucy had walked up the stairs and cut in. “Of course, only if you are willing Heidi.” She looked at Molly, “I know you are excited, but let’s wait and see if this is something that can fit into her schedule first.,” Lucy turned back to Heidi, “Please excuse us for interrupting you, I hope you don’t mind.”

Heidi smiled and shook her head, “I don’t mind, of course, I would like to help you, Molly, and I’m honored that you thought of me.” She cleared her throat and carried on, surprised at her ability to act normal even though she felt terrible, “But right now, I’m in the middle of something, can we do it the day after tomorrow?”

Molly looked up at Lucy, “Can we?” 

     Lucy looked thoughtful, “I will have to check with your parents first, Molly, in case they have something planned.” Molly’s face fell, Lucy continued. “But how about we go home and check right now, and I will call Heidi once we find out?” Molly cheered up a little and nodded.

Lucy again turned to Heidi, “Is that OK with you?”

    “Of course,” Heidi replied. 

Molly skipped down the path, Lucy smiled at Heidi, “Thank you, I will call you soon.”.

     She turned and followed Molly out onto the sidewalk. 

 Heidi went back inside her quiet house, she didn’t really know if she would have anything useful to offer Molly, but the girl seemed to think so.

Heidi felt sad and futile, what was the point of her doing anything? She sat down at her kitchen table and started crying again.

“Wow, Heidi!” she spoke sternly out loud to herself again. “Pull it together!” 

 Maybe she should call someone? But who? She didn’t really have anyone close to her, like a girlfriend or anything. How had she lost those too? Did she have any in the first place? Heidi shook her head, it honestly felt like someone else had taken over her thoughts and feelings, this was not like her at all. She had work friends, but they didn’t talk about feelings at work, good grief they would think she had lost her mind.

Heidi hiccupped and got herself a glass of water. 

What was wrong with her?

She looked at the dishes in her sink and on her counter and decided to leave them for another day. 

Heidi felt like going to bed, she was so tired suddenly, that she wondered if she was getting sick. It was barely 3:45 pm in the afternoon.

She remembered the box of photos she had left on her bed and walked back into her bedroom. 

As she stood there looking at the box, she didn’t want to look at old photos anymore, she didn’t even want to put the lid back on the box in case she saw other photos that would upset her. 

Maybe she’d just go take a nap in her spare room, that bed (although smaller than hers) was very comfortable.

Yes, that’s what she would do.

Heidi lay on the bed, letting the heaviness take her over, and fell asleep almost instantly. 

CHAPTER 3: Losing Control

When Heidi woke up it was almost dark, she thought she could hear her phone ringing, where was her phone? She thought about just lying there in the gathering darkness like a giant log, not moving or doing anything. Heidi thought she should probably get up and see who was calling her, hardly anybody called her. Did anybody call anybody else anymore? Heidi communicated with most people by text.

 Her head felt heavy, and the gloomy house fit her mood perfectly. She thought again about ignoring her phone. Why don’t they just text? 

She remembered she had left it in the kitchen and forced herself to get moving. It stopped as she got into the room and switched on the light. Oh well, they’ll leave a message if it’s important, she thought glumly, but after a few minutes, it rang again.

Heidi felt irritated that they obviously had not left a voice message or just texted her.

 She knew it wouldn’t be some sort of work emergency, she was mostly earth-bound these days, even though “astronaut” sounded exciting, she was still a civil servant who worked for the government, and most of her days were spent attending trainings, writing reports, and attending meetings, like any other office worker really.

Heidi picked up the phone and looked at the number, she didn’t think she recognized it, but it was a local number, so she answered with a weary, “Hello?”

    “Hello, Heidi?”

    “Yes?” she wasn’t sure she recognized the voice, 

    “Hi, it’s Lucy,” she paused, “I’m sorry if I’m bothering you, is this a bad

     time?” 

    “Well, it’s as good a time as any,” Heidi sighed, wondering if she sounded as flat as she felt.

     “OK,” replied Lucy, “I was calling you back about the meeting with Molly. The day after tomorrow is good for her, I can bring her over after school, she finishes and is home by 3:30, would 4:30 pm work for you? That will give her enough time to eat something and unpack her bag.”

     “I guess, sure, that will work,” Heidi answered deflated, she didn’t know what she would talk to the girl about. 

     “Oh, thank you, Heidi, I know the Leap’s really appreciate you being able to accommodate this…” Lucy paused, unsure whether to go on. 

Lucy and Heidi were just acquaintances, but Lucy felt compelled to ask her if she was okay. Heidi looked like she had been crying earlier in the day when she stopped by with Molly, but she didn’t want to say anything at the time. 

But now, hearing Heidi on the phone, sounding so flat and sad, she was concerned for her… what if Heidi needed someone to talk to and she didn’t have anyone? 

      “Was there something else?” Heidi asked, sensing the awkwardness in the pause.

     “Well, um, I was just wondering, um, you didn’t seem very happy this afternoon…”

   Heidi was still silent. “And I felt it wouldn’t have been right to ask, with Molly there, but is… .is…” Lucy gulped, feeling nervous, “I was just wondering… .is,” she stammered., 

Heidi felt impatient. “Is WHAT?” she roared into the phone, surprising even herself, the other end was silent, Heidi instantly felt bad, “Look, I’m busy, I’ll see you and Molly the day after tomorrow, I have to go.” Heidi ended the call quickly. She felt awful. Heidi was not good friends with Lucy, and even though she was a very analytical and unemotional person she felt terrible that she had snapped at Lucy like that.  

 Lucy was so stunned she stood there staring at the phone for a few seconds after the call had finished, maybe she was all wrong about Heidi, maybe she was just the equivalent of a grumpy old woman. But, after the momentary shock wore off, Lucy didn’t believe it. She was even more concerned about Heidi’s mental health, she knew from experience that people have many ways of hiding their problems, but that it only takes one person, and only one person to reach out and let someone know that they care and that one person can change things in a positive way for the person having a tough time. Lucy thought about calling back but talked herself out of it. Lucy decided to just leave the situation alone for the evening. She didn’t think Heidi would cancel the interview with Molly, it was probably best she didn’t push the subject with her. If Heidi wanted help, Lucy was almost certain Heidi would ask.

 Heidi didn’t sleep very well that night, tossing and turning, wondering what Lucy had wanted to ask her and if she should call and apologize. 

Eventually, she fell asleep not too long before her alarm went off.  Heidi dragged herself out of bed, still feeling dark and heavy. She managed to get through the day at work, throwing herself into the various reports and analyzing the data sent back from the satellites in space. She was glad to have a distraction from her dark gloominess, but when she would take a break, she was still feeling terrible about being so short-tempered and rude to Lucy. 

She knew she would have to call back and apologize, and she should do it before Lucy and Molly came over tomorrow. 

It was the right thing to do. Lucy was always very pleasant and polite, and even if she was a housekeeper that didn’t mean it was right for Heidi to be rude to her.

CHAPTER 4: Random Act of Kindness

Once Heidi was home, she was overcome with nervousness, mixed with impatience with herself, she still felt like she was in a dark cloud, and she didn’t like it.

     Heidi had never been someone who liked to drink but she found herself wondering if indulging in some alcohol would calm her nerves. No, that would not do, she scolded herself this was something to figure out, not run away from. The only way to deal with this was to work through it. 

Heidi picked up her phone and dialed Lucy’s number.

It rang long enough that Heidi was getting prepared to leave a voice message, but Lucy answered just before the voicemail caught her call. 

     She sounded breathless like she had just run up the stairs. 

“Hello? Lucy speaking.”

It was Heidi’s turn to feel nervous. 

“Hi, Lucy, it’s Heidi… I just wanted to call and apologize for snapping at you last night. I’m so sorry for being so impatient and yelling at you, that was completely uncalled for. I didn’t even let you ask your question.” 

There was a pause and Heidi wondered if Lucy was still there.

    “Why thank you, Heidi,” Lucy graciously replied.

    “Can you forgive me?” Heidi asked, 

   “Of course!” Lucy answered. “I just wanted to ask you if everything was okay with you, you looked upset yesterday when we knocked on your door and I didn’t want to say anything in front of Molly, but hearing you sound so down, I just wanted to reach out.” There was a pause. “So, is everything okay with you, Heidi?”

Heidi sighed, and answered quietly, “I don’t know, Lucy, I’m not feeling like myself lately. It feels like there is a heavy cloud weighing me down and I can’t trust my emotions or reactions to the simplest things…” The last sentence was almost inaudible as she started crying again. “See?” she asked pathetically, “I can’t even answer a personal question! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

“Oh, Heidi,” Lucy answered compassionately, “it’s ok! Everything will be alright!” She tried to reassure her, but Heidi was really upset, having someone ask how she was, and showing some care had just opened the floodgates. She was hiccupping and sniffing as she was telling Lucy what had been happening in her thoughts and mindset and feelings. She had no control over it. Lucy just listened, adding an “uh-huh” here, and an “oh really?” there. 

 As a housekeeper, she was very good at listening to people pour their feelings out at times when they had no one else to talk to. When she was a child, Lucy’s grandmother moved in with them after Lucy’s grandfather died, and she was a very good listener too., Lucy had felt invisible a lot until then. She was a well-behaved child who did what she was told but her parents were so busy working all the time, and she often felt alone like there was no one she could talk to, no one to listen to her, but her. When her Nana moved in, she would listen to all of Lucy’s fears and worries and happiness and sadness, her grandmother’s time and attention had really made a big impact on Lucy, and made her realize, that you only needed one person to be there for you. 

One person to love and care for her, to make you feel heard and seen. Lucy had made an effort since then to be able to be that one person for other people too. In her job as housekeeper for the Leap family, she got to meet lots of people as they were very well connected in Peace City which was the capital of Midland.

She was also very observant and was able to notice when people seemed to be struggling and might need someone to reach out to them. People like Heidi Hipp.

 Eventually, Heidi calmed down and apologized again. Lucy didn’t mind, they talked for a long time about all the things Heidi was experiencing, Lucy thought for a while; she was no expert and it sounded like Heidi needed some professional help. She suggested that Heidi should talk to her doctor. Heidi was not so sure, what would he think.?

Lucy gently reminded her that it didn’t matter what the doctor thought of her, that what she was experiencing was an anomaly and it was her health professional’s job to help her overcome and deal with whatever it was. It would be a good place to get some answers.

They chatted a little longer and finished their phone call. Just before she hung up, Heidi thanked Lucy again. 

      “No problem, Heidi, we’ll see you tomorrow!” Lucy said brightly.

 When Heidi hung up, she felt a mixture of vulnerability and relief. Goodness -, what must Lucy think of her? Overall though she felt a little brighter like she wasn’t going insane.

She made up her mind, she would call her doctor tomorrow and get to the bottom of this. Heidi felt a little of her no-nonsense self return.

Although she still felt sad and gloomy, Heidi slept better that night.

CHAPTER 5: The Cloud Lifts

      The next morning before work, Heidi called her doctor’s office for an appointment. She decided to go with her personal doctor on the other side of the city, and not one of the ones from the Space Center, even though they could have seen her immediately. She felt very self-conscious as if feeling this way was some sort of defect. Lucky for her, there was a cancellation, and they could get her in to see her doctor the very next afternoon. 

When she was asked the reason for the visit, all she could say was “I think I’m depressed.”

The receptionist was very kind and didn’t press her for details. Heidi felt even more relief once the appointment had been made. This was a real thing, and she needed some help. That was okay. 

 Heidi also found herself looking forward to seeing Molly and Lucy later in the day too. She was genuinely touched by Lucy’s concern. It had been a long time since Heidi had experienced any sort of kindness. She had been so caught up in her work she never had any time for anything else. Years passed and now she wasn’t even sure how to be a friend to someone.

 Maybe it was time to start cultivating some friendships. 

Heidi had her work friends, but that’s all they were, friends at work. Fellow scientists and astronauts, they had varied backgrounds in engineering and science, some were even military trained. All very nice and genuine people, but also very focused on their occupations and duties at the Space Center, like her. She didn’t know much about most of them except for trivial details. They got on because of their shared passion and mutual respect for all things to do with space. 

 When Heidi got home, she still felt flat, but the nagging feeling that something was wrong with her was not as dominant. She saw it was just after 4:00 pm, Lucy and Molly would be on her doorstep soon. As she walked into the kitchen, she felt a pang of guilt that she hadn’t emptied or reloaded the dishwasher or cleared the table in days. Things were piled up and the trash also needed to be taken out.

She busied herself unloading the dishwasher and clearing the kitchen table, still, her thoughts felt heavy and like they were stuck together with glue, but she pressed on. Heidi Hipp’s years of discipline stood her in good stead, and just as she was finishing wiping down the table, her doorbell rang.

Perfect timing.

    Molly had a big smile on her face and a green notepad., “Hello, Ms. Hipp,” she stuck out her hand. “Thank you for letting me interview you.”, Heidi smiled and shook her hand, and stepped back ushering Molly in the door.  

Lucy greeted her with a friendly hug, Heidi was so much larger than Lucy, but she appreciated the gesture.

 Molly was very efficient in her questioning, taking her role as interviewer very seriously. She asked well-thought-out questions, and Heidi was impressed. She had done some research obviously. Lucy sat quietly at the other end of the table, with a gentle smile on her face. She was so proud of Molly; she was acting so grown up! At the end of her questions and the interview, Molly stood up and shook her hand again, “Thank you, Ms. Hipp, for your time and the interview, this is going to be great!”

She skipped down the hall to the front door, Lucy stood next to Heidi watching her, then turned to Heidi, “How are you feeling today?”

“Today has been a good day,” Heidi smiled at Lucy who smiled and nodded in return, waiting for Heidi to go on. “I made a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow, I’m actually looking forward to it. It will be good to figure out what’s going on in my brain!”

“Oh Heidi, I’m so glad. Things will get better, you’ll see, and anytime you feel overwhelmed you can always call me. I don’t mind.” Lucy squeezed her arm. 

Heidi smiled warmly, putting her hand on top of Lucy’s, “Thank you so much, Lucy, it really means a lot.”

The two women smiled at each other, and Lucy walked down the hall to the open door that Molly was standing at.

“Oh! Would you like to read it when I’m done?” Molly asked with anticipation.

“Why, of course, I would!” Heidi replied with a smile. It would be interesting to read Molly’s interpretation of their interview. She remembered when she was about Molly’s age seeing a film on the first woman astronaut in Nation- X, from that moment on, Heidi knew that was exactly what she wanted to do.

Molly beamed and skipped down the steps. Lucy followed, “Thank you again for your time and being so accommodating Heidi, I’ll make sure Molly remembers to send that to you when she’s finished…who knows? Maybe we have another astronaut in the making.”

They finished their goodbyes and Heidi closed the door. 

     The next day she went to her appointment and after a long chat with her doctor who asked a lot of questions and checked her health and vital signs, he referred Heidi to a psychologist, as he didn’t think Heidi needed to have any medication but could do with some emotional and mental counseling. Heidi felt the dark clouds parting, she was reassured that this was something that could be conquered with professional intervention, and as she walked out of the office, even the late afternoon sun seemed brighter. 

 Everything was going to be alright.