Even though I’ve been doing it unconsciously for years, I must say I’ve become aware of how valuable rage cleaning is in my life lately. The satisfaction of completing some menial sucky task while my heart and mind process some big emotions is something I have gained a new appreciation for. I’m sure plenty of people have always known on some level that scrubbing and washing and rinsing and wiping away dirt and throwing away stuff is insanely cathartic and this isn’t a brand-new phenomenon.

Although I haven’t always appreciated the effect my mindless cleaning efforts had on my surroundings or on my outlook in general. But now, at this point in my life, I want a clean, spacious, light feeling home with only minimal “stuff” for a comfortable life. With a teenager, two cats, and a dog, that is obviously a continual work in progress

But I digress. I have had all sorts of emotional curve balls to deal with this festive season and although I’ve been impressed these things don’t shake me to my core and render me mentally paralyzed in a pool of anxiety and self-doubt like they used to, it’s still things I have to think about and deal with. It can also be confusing, weird, and frustrating. 

That’s where I find a good mindless rage-cleaning session comes in better than therapy.

(Although I’ve never really clicked with a counselor or therapist, so there’s that.)

All I need is something awesome to listen to … whether it is some upbeat 80s pop, Metallica, or high energy house music, a favorite d.j from back in the day, something dark and depressing, hard rock or blues – the genre does not matter – just something that feels good to listen to at that moment in time. And I scrub, polish, rinse, vacuum, and declutter to my heart’s content while processing various moments and situations in my mind. 

Like I mentioned back there, I know I have always done this subconsciously, but it’s only been at this phase in my life that I have connected how integral it is to be able to process and let go of the big stuff. 

As a mutable and curious person, I have to know, I have to dig deep into my thoughts and feelings about stuff. I must find out why something provokes a strong or resistant response in me, even just a seemingly baseless irritated reaction. I need to figure it out and get comfortable with it.

In the past, I had significant relationships with people who did not relish such deep introspection, and it was hard, they would always make me feel like there was something wrong with me because I must know. So, as the people pleaser I was, I would do my best to only show the parts of myself they approved of, or were comfortable with. Not for a moment thinking that the problem was theirs, not mine. Or that my not processing things resulted in unhealthy coping mechanisms for me. Luckily, as I’ve lived longer and evolved, I’ve learned to treat myself better. And that includes allowing myself to process the things that I need to process.

I’ve never been the person who is happy to let something fester, burying it deep within me. I spent years doing that and it’s really destructive. It simultaneously feels like I am under a dark heavy cloud that sucks my time and energy and fills thoughts with jumble and noise and makes me feel like I’m not showing up 100%, and I want to show up 100% in my life. For everything.

I have discovered that despite my lame attempts at various times in my life to avoid being present and experiencing uncomfortable feelings or harsh truths, through those unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking and numbing myself, turns out that indiscriminately numbs everything. Getting drunk on the regular keeps you in a holding pattern emotionally. Which sucks, I do not value the facade of undealt with emotions so much to miss the joy and fullness and love. 

Over time, I have come to fully understand the term, “the only way out is through,” because it’s true y’all. Nothing is ever made better by ignoring it. Nothing. Your best bet is to grab the vacuum cleaner and a mop and get busy. Keep your body busy while your heart processes. Because if you just let a feeling sit within you, not poking it or telling yourself it’s wrong and being your own worst bully about it, you get to understand that there’s usually something else like grief in there, and when you let it all wash over you, it’s actually quite exquisite. 

It changes you. And that’s ok. We are supposed to change.

There is something indescribably difficult about feeling like you are crushed under the weight of a broken heart or soul. It’s physical and heavy and dark, and when you get to the point where you literally just give into it after blaming yourself, and denying and trying to fix and solve everything to remedy the relationship, that moment when you realize there is no point, and you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, you just stop, put your hurt ego away and let the pain take over – I believe it’s called surrendering, that moment is the first moment of feeling like you have broken open, and is the first step to healing. 

Much like when you catch a cold or the flu, you feel the illness coming, then you feel it building, and getting worse, but then you also feel the moment when it’s not getting worse and you may plateau for a day or so, before starting to feel like you are getting better. Sometimes it’s just a feeling of not being worse.

I have found our emotional processing is a lot like that, and I’m always surprised that we pay so much attention to healing our bodies properly (mostly) yet, never give our hearts or brains the same grace.