So, it seems I have a man-repelling superpower, any time I want to find out if some guy is just interested in getting into my pants or getting into my head, I throw this out there:   

I love self-improvement.

Works like a charm, and it’s almost humorous how quickly some dude will go from flirty “let’s do this”, to “I’ll call you sometime”.

Suits me. I’m done with feeling like I’m someone’s novelty because I hold different views and expectations about personal responsibility than a lot of other people, which makes them feel accepted and comfortable. Turns out it’s not so interesting to them when I expect the same amount of responsibility for self from them in return.

Don’t expect me to nod and smile and offer sympathy for your stories of crappy behavior and responses after pretending that we were on the same wavelength and coming from similar places of personal responsibility and understanding of our lives. Because I won’t. I will ask you questions about your choices and interpretation of a situation. I am trying to get a better understanding of you.

I am compelled by an insatiable curiosity to do so. People are really interesting and I want to know why. Don’t tell me that you’re stuck in some mindset without being curious about it. Don’t tell me you’re a victim, or all this stuff has just happened to you, and you can never recover. Don’t proudly proclaim that it’s just the way you are.  (You can change your thoughts; you just have to want to). Don’t give me endless stories about why you can’t change something about yourself like it’s a giant mystery with no apparent cause or reason. Your brain is your bitch bro. You tell it how you want to think, view, and understand.  If you don’t like your story, change it. It doesn’t happen in one day either, it’s a process. Every day you make the choice. Just like every day you have to eat.

I know sometimes people suffer from obsessive thoughts they cannot control, and I am not referring to them, after all, mental health is no joke. But I am referring to people who approach potential relationships wearing their dysfunction like a crown, experts at their own problems.

It’s not interesting to me, I left my youthful delusions of “I can fix him” behind years ago. The only person that can fix you is you. Sure, maybe someone can listen and hold space for you to work stuff out, but nobody can do the work for you. The only way out is through. That’s it.

The longer I live the faster I get straight to the point with men about what I expect from them. Gone are the days of “you’re good looking and mysterious/interesting/funny/brooding… (insert perceived hot trait here), let’s hook up and see where this goes.” No thanks, I’ve spent enough time on that approach. And sure, it’s led to some of my life’s defining moments, both positive and not so positive, but I’m done ignoring or glossing over red flags. I’m done ignoring my own intellectual needs from a partner.  

It can be disappointing when you least expect it, however. Recently an old friend and I switched over to a flirty-what-if-we-hooked-up communication. Like a 30-year friendship.

Big mistake, he didn’t like it when I called him out on his passive-aggressive tendencies and suggested he got honest with himself, that maybe he didn’t attract the crazy chicks, maybe it was his behavior that made them crazy. This was after we had been talking about such things for a week or so. He all but ghosted me the very next day. Bummer.

But I can’t be sad for too long, as it’s not rejection, let’s face it, one of the good things about living longer and having more perspective on almost everything is that it’s also easier to see that it is better to just cut your losses and move on. No more crying and whining and begging for change, just a mature: “No thank you but thank you for asking, it was fun for a hot minute.” Because it usually is (fun).

And if you don’t reply to my efforts of communication, I’m not chasing you. The way I see it is – I did my part, it’s up to them to do theirs. And just by the fact that they are so spineless, they can’t even communicate to say “hey, I don’t see a future for this relationship,” kind of does me a massive favor anyway.

I refuse to believe that there are no men who can take responsibility for themselves around, I’m obviously just not finding them at the moment.

Although truth be told, I’m not really looking either, so that could have something to do with it.

Recently out of a 20-year relationship, I’m not in a hurry. Still just curious.

Stay tuned.