Serious question: How do you meet people to date as an adult? The only places I go are set up nicely for established families and family life. School activities, kid sports, church, and work, not so accommodating for a divorced woman, who, you know, is probably trying to steal your husband. Because isn’t that what all divorced women do? Prowl their kids’ activities or church community to select a new mate? Get rid of one husband only to steal another? (I’m kidding people.)

So to get it out of the way nice and early, no, why would I want your husband? Most of the time I don’t even know why you want your husband, somehow after about age 40 as the children grow up and become independent, most men seem to decide (either unconsciously or consciously) that they will now resume the part of the dependant child, passing up any and every opportunity to be the other adult in the relationship and opting instead for childlike dependency on the mother of their children, whether she agrees or not. But seriously, I don’t think this unpleasant reality even makes it to a conversation as this behavior goes unacknowledged. 

Although couples with solid relationships whose husbands are good guys, get my respect because that shit is hard. Well, not exactly hard, but committed, I guess, they have made the conscious decision every single day to choose each other and put the work into one another and what they have together. Massive respect. What two people can build together is incredible and inspiring and it’s a total idiot who thinks they can steal someone they view as a good husband and expect that great person to then become their great person. 

It is very alienating, and horribly tragic, that during a time when you could most use a supportive community or even just someone to be nice to you, for no reason, other than they care about you, (because, news flash, divorce sucks), IRL you are generally shunned by those around you because other people see you as a threat, which is really only a reflection of their own relationships mortality and maturity. It sucks, and is demoralizing and fear inducing, and often financially debilitating. It usually also involves losing your home. 

As well as discovering all sorts of brutal realities about the person you had previously thought you knew better than anyone, who has made you look like a total idiot for the last few years before the actual divorce.

So how do you meet someone new? That brings me to online dating, I was super hesitant, thinking I could just meet someone “organically”…you know, during the natural course of my days…except oh wait, my life is pretty routine and insular, there is not a lot of hanging out or socializing in the company of strangers these days. 

After a push from a friend who’d found her man online, I thought I’d give it a shot, after all, what could I lose? 

Well, my mind for a start. 

I took advantage of a special that “magically” turned up on my phone – I’m referring to the fact that the tracking device we so willingly carry with us is listening to us at all times and so conveniently offers solutions without having to do anything beyond speculating out loud – and started to build my profile, trying my best to be honest and genuine, which raised the uncomfortable reality that in being honest and genuine, I didn’t really have faith that this was the best way to meet people. I do not make a very good first impression, and it doesn’t help that I tend not to care. If someone chooses to sum me up in that first goofy meeting or awkward interaction and instantly thinks negatively about me, that’s their loss, not mine. Because I’m outstanding…

For a few minutes, I also had the impulse to pretend to be someone else, someone that would be viewed as a successful, prosperous, a real go-getting babe. I quickly also realized there was no point, except to satisfy my own delusions of what I thought made someone attractive, which then made me question what sort of person I was even looking for (someone like me, but not?) and figured my best bet was to be myself. 

I made my profile “visible” and carried on with my day.

I didn’t think much about it until I got home later that evening, and with a touch of anxiety I checked my profile, I had 23 messages. 23. In 5 hours. Yikes. Suddenly feeling very popular I opened the first one, “Hi beautiful, you look…” Nope. 

I moved on to the next one, “You look like someone who’s up for a good time…” Nope. 

“Has anyone ever told you…” Nope. “You look a lot like…” Nope. “I love your hair..” Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. I  mean what do you even reply to that??

I wanted to reply, I wanted to read a message that showed me a real human was writing it. Not just someone regurgitating witty openings attempting to connect for a hook-up. 

Each opening was worse than the last, reminding me of the “dance of the desperate” that I would witness every closing time when I worked as a bartender, the one that sees all the drunks suddenly filled with the uncontrollable urge to not go home alone. 

I didn’t answer any of them, and “hid” my profile from public view. This needed some thought, I was not ready to have to sift through a bunch of corny pick-up lines. What on earth? I don’t know what I imagined, but cheesy pick-ups were not it. 

Besides, I didn’t have the time to wade through all the noise.

I didn’t do anything else for a week or so, but the app didn’t see that as a problem, every day I got an email filled with headshots of available men in my area, some had sunglasses (why?) and some had selfies in the car, some looked like they had cropped out others from a photo and some didn’t even use their real names…(Normal Guy – I’m looking at you) each photo came with a quote from them, and I looked at them all critically, wondering what my quote was or if I had a quote. Looking at the photos I was surprised at how easy it was to sum a person up, the quotes just confirmed it. 

I decided to just “be brave,” (and get my money’s worth) and unhide my profile again, and again by the time I got home, there were dozens of messages to wade through.

Again, it was multiple desperate openers or guys that seemed a little too confident. I didn’t read all of them, and I didn’t reply to any either. It was overwhelming.

It started me thinking seriously, though, what was I looking for? What did I want? Someone to hang out with? Sex? Someone to do fun stuff with? Someone to talk to? Someone who got me? And more to the point, where was I going to find the time to get to know someone new? 

I love my new independent life with my son, every day is full, I am following my dreams of being a writer and getting writing work on the side and I work 32+ hours a week in property management. With that and taking care of our pets, and getting my son to his various after-school sports and music lessons, there is very little downtime and I don’t want to feel like I have to fill that with making some dude a priority. I like being in control of my own schedule. 

So I deleted my profile. The whole thing. And made sure to cancel the “convenient” subscription too – because those bastards always get you.

Sure I can write all sorts of excuses, but I just don’t have the time. And I don’t want to make the time. Because I don’t. 

Both times I have started major relationships in my life I was also doing my own thing, following my own dreams, and I took a couple of sideroads in the name of love. And before too long, my own thing was secondary and unimportant so I turned away and left it behind. I’m not saying it was a bad thing, I’ve had a great life so far, but I’m at the point I don’t want to do that again. 

I want to follow my own dreams and direction and if someone ends up coming alongside me and we move forward together, awesome. If not, that’s awesome too. But I actually don’t have any energy to spare to go hunting for another relationship at the moment. 

Obviously, this is to be continued…