As an emotionally honest person, this means that when I tell you I feel a certain way about you or a situation we are in together, I mean every word. Not sort of mean it, not just saying it because it makes me feel good, not saying it because I think that’s what you want to hear, but legit – I mean what I say and say what I mean. Because I do.
So in turn, I naturally expect people to be as honest as I am. Which stands to reason – we expect from others what we give ourselves, right? This is where the obstacles start to come up.
And as soon as I see that on the page, I think of the many times that I know of people who expected way more than they would or could give.
This has become somewhat of a problem, as I realize that especially in dating, people are not very honest with themselves, or others. Which is weird to me, so naturally I have dug into it deeper, attempting to figure it out.
Sure people may believe the words that are falling out of their mouths while they are saying them, but they do not mean them.
Especially if it’s still the have-not-had-sex-yet part of the relationship. Of course, I believe what they say, because – why wouldn’t I? When everything is still brand new and you are still getting to know someone, it’s exciting. But it’s also the time to be honest, about yourself, about your thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, – about everything. Is it not?
It makes it so much more difficult when I say this and they are 100% in agreement, except they are not. This makes it difficult to get close to someone. Especially when they assure you over and over that what they say is the truth. But they show you in their behavior that it is not their truth.
Seriously, w.t.f? I am constantly searching to understand the root causes of why people are dishonest with themselves and the people they love or want to love which results in broken trust and broken hearts.
In my search I have come to a few conclusions, read along and see what you think:
First of all, I think it’s a lot of fear. People are afraid of being vulnerable, of exposing themselves to others. And I get it, putting yourself out there to be misunderstood, mocked, or minimalized is a scary prospect. Sure that’s one way to view it, but how about putting yourself out there to see if you understand each other? What if doing that actually fosters genuine closeness and intimacy? And how else are you ever going to discover if you’re compatible if you don’t?
I think this also extends to fear of rejection, abandonment, or judgment, personally, I don’t think shielding oneself from potential emotional pain by sacrificing honesty is a very authentic way to interact with someone you are hoping to get closer to. Especially if you are planning on being naked physically with them, it’s only fair that you are brave enough to be emotionally naked too – right?
I don’t get it when people see another’s vulnerability and meet it with lies.
I think people also do it from a desire for acceptance. As social creatures (mostly) we crave acceptance and validation, I understand that the fear of losing the approval of a potential love interest or loved one can lead to deception, and it’s often easier to lie about experiences, or beliefs to align with others expectations in their attempt to maintain the appearance of being the ideal companion. I think this also ties into ego and self-image. A person’s desire to maintain a positive self-image can make admitting faults or mistakes difficult, leading some people to bend the truth to fit their own narrative.
Sometimes though, people lie to avoid conflict. Even though conflict is an inevitable aspect of relationships, some individuals would rather be dishonest to avoid confrontation or arguments. Instead of addressing uncomfortable truths or difficult conversations, they choose to sweep a problem under the rug to avoid dealing with it and hence maintain harmony. This approach seldom works for long though.
An especially painful reason people are untruthful in relationships is infidelity, either physical or emotional, the perpetrator thinks they are getting away with something they know is not right and lies to themselves and their partner about it. Which is futile as the partner always knows. Even if they in fact are lying to themselves as well, they still know. This one is devastating in reality because it’s usually after you have already been in a committed relationship for a period of time. Our modern age makes it so easy for people to literally slide into each other’s inboxes, news feeds, or text messages. The feeling of abandonment, when you realize your significant other has been speaking to or texting someone dozens of times a day, is awful. The emotional connection usually precludes physical infidelity.
Often people are dishonest in relationships because they simply do not have the skills to communicate openly and honestly. As a result, they may resort to dishonesty to navigate complex emotions.
Sometimes, dishonesty is a product of power struggles. Manipulation, deceit, and withholding information are often employed as tactics to assert control over another person.
Maybe dishonesty in relationships developed as a survival mechanism. Our ancestors may have felt the need to use deception to protect themselves and their resources, thus increasing their chances of survival and reproductive success.
I feel like I’ve probably only scratched the surface on this one, but in my quest for true relationships, with depth and meaning, I have to continually remind myself that the world is full of people and surely I cannot be the only person who thinks like this.
I am looking for open communication, empathy, and a willingness to confront one’s own fears and vulnerabilities, these are the sorts of relationships I want. I know they are not impossible, there are exemplary couples all around.
I have found that the ones based on deception are hollow and toxic. I know that everyone is susceptible to dishonesty under certain circumstances and that compassion and self-awareness are crucial in navigating the intricacies of human relationships. I also know that it is only by addressing these underlying reasons behind dishonesty that we can ever hope to find and build solid worthwhile relationships that stand the test of time to bring true fulfillment to our lives.
Right?
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