I have a long history with meditation, I remember the first time I ever tried it, I was in high school, and we had to lay on the floor, and someone talked us through a visualization of entering a cave, and what we could see and hear. We were not told it was meditating though, or, if we were I wasn’t listening, which was also possible.
My friends thought it was weird and creepy. I loved it.
My next attempts at meditation were not until my 20s when I was dating someone whose family were previously big meditators, previously was the operative word, his mother and father both were very chaotic, and drama fueled in their own ways. They were divorced but we saw them both a lot. His Aunt and Uncle still meditated regularly, and I really liked hanging out at their house. They were so grounded and chill, I didn’t fully connect that it was because they meditated regularly.
During that time, I learned a few different grounding and meditation techniques through different courses I did, and I enjoyed those too, however it never occurred to me that I could take those skills and do them on my own.
Fast forward to 2017 and my marriage was collapsing like a dying star, bright, visible to everyone, spectacular, and burning everything in its path. I spent many nights alone and awake, unable to sleep, tossing and turning, stressed out, overthinking, upset, listening for the car to pull up and the door to open, so at least I knew he had made it home safely.
Week after week, month after month, all the broken sleep and stress were starting to take a toll on my mental health. I knew I had to pull it together for the sake of our son, this was his childhood. It became glaringly obvious people around me wanted to watch the dying star but did not want to help or support me, the few token actions from a couple of “friends” left me feeling even worse – their attempts to jam me back into their mental comfortable box where their “married” friends should all be was depressing.
I was alone.
It was around then I started searching for solace, comfort, and perspective, which led me back to yoga. It felt so good to stretch, and the best part was the savasana – corpse pose. Which I found myself looking forward to at the end of each practice, I started to use it at night, when I was awake while I was supposed to be asleep, I would focus on that pose, practice being still, and relax all body parts, including my thoughts. This led to YouTube and sleep meditations, which helped somewhat.
Then I started meditating when I got to work, I managed a thrift shop that had a family of stray cats we fed so I was usually early, I would take a few minutes to sit in stillness and listen to a guided mediation – again on YouTube before anyone else came in.
I discovered how amazing YouTube was and that there were dozens of different meditations available, where someone would talk you through it all, for free! And for however long you wanted. Just type it in the search bar. Need a 5-minute meditation bell? No problem. A 15-minute morning intention setting meditation? No problem. Go back to sleep? Just ask. I found myself looking forward to typing in a need and seeing what YouTube would deliver.
This was huge.
I meditated every day and made a conscious (and very difficult) effort to catch my thoughts and then stop the negative soul-destroying internal babble keeping me crushed, and gradually pulled myself out of the black hole I had found myself in.
Of course, like most helpful things, once I felt like I had more control over myself and my life, I would put it off. I was feeling mentally and emotionally stronger. I would tell myself I’d do it later or tomorrow. Predictably, I fell out of the habit.
Fast forward again to 2020 and all the chaos COVID and the political environment bought us. I rediscovered meditation and that there were so many different forms of it, and it was amazing again.
I had always suspected the existence of other forms of meditation, but never really committed to investigating. I just needed something soothing to get my thoughts, emotions, and breathing back under control and YouTube would deliver. Easy.
Although seeing as I was coming back to it from a more curious viewpoint this time, I have come to realize that what I love most about meditating is the space it gives me. The quieting down of all the noise, in my head and heart. To be still and in the moment; all woo-woo stuff aside, I finally made the connection and understood how it feels and what that means in my everyday life.
Now that I fully understand that simple fact, I know I can never “fall out of the habit” again.
Like many other things that become so apparent the longer we live; once you know how to make yourself feel better and whole and healthy, you can never “forget” to do it again. Whether it’s taking care of your physical health, your mental health, emotional health, or your spiritual health, once you have the tools and have experienced a change of heart, there is no other option. You work that into your life.
I think meditation is important the longer you live too, as we have so much more in our heads and hearts. So much to process and keep straight, I find giving myself the space to just “be” every day gives me an invaluable perspective and lets the “little” me (ego) take a break from the minor infractions and the “big” me (spirit) have a stronger more reasonable voice to see things with perspective and a wider view.
This is my understanding anyway; obviously, all I can speak from is my own experience. But I figure so many people are experiencing such turmoil and indecision with everything in their lives and their heads, if I can offer something that may give a new angle, it may help someone, somewhere feel less alone. And more empowered, and who doesn’t want that?
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