How are you supposed to feel when your mother is sure she’s at death’s door?

How do you process that she’ll be gone forevermore?

When she lives on the other side of the world, and you haven’t seen her in years?

When you’ve heard this before and already shed those tears?

How do you grieve when it’s always been so difficult between you?

When she regularly hurled verbal nastiness your whole life through?

How are you supposed to feel when she expected so very much, but gave so little?

When the vibe between you was usually tense and brittle?

When she didn’t build you up or ever support your cause?

Or validate your feelings or let you take a pause?

How are you supposed to feel when you knew you weren’t her favorite, the golden child?

When you would diminish yourself, and feel so wrong inside?

How do you feel when time after time it was painfully clear,

She was not the person to assist or calm your adolescent and young adult fears.

When still like an idiot after years you’d keep turning to her, hoping for support,

And she just pushed you away with nasty lectures and hurtful retorts.

How are you supposed to feel when you know her entire story, whereas others only know patches?

Her trauma, her wounds, her struggles, and rough matches?

The sexual abuse from a family friend, her desire to sing, and off to Vietnam was sent,

Her love, her loss, joy, frustration, and marriage abandonment,

Her dreams, her work, her good intentions,

Her too trusting side and too many bad deals to mention.

How are you supposed to feel when you’ve seen her struggle and doubt?

When you’ve witnessed her inner demons turn her thoughts inside out?

Continually striving, providing, working on her dreams,

How do you feel when you’ve seen her fall apart at the seams?

How do you feel when you’ve seen her build herself back up?

The courage and persistence of filling her own cup.

How should you feel knowing she never understood you or never wanted to?

How are you to feel when the one never living up to her expectations, was you?

How do you feel when she wants to know about your life until you start sharing?

Then it’s always “I have to go…” and again there is no caring.

How are you supposed to feel knowing you were replaced?

With a better family, who fit her face?

While I’m glad she found her people, and they live up to her ideal

Again, there is no concern for how anyone else may feel.

How are you supposed to feel when you weren’t close, and definitely were not best friends?

How are you supposed to feel when that story is coming to an end?

If somebody knows, would they share it, please?

Because right now all I see is relief.