I find it funny (funny- strange, not funny-ha ha) as I move through life, how difficult it is to do the things that I know are good for me. Especially when it comes to retaining and building relationships. 

You know, the ones that bring peace and calm to your heart, soul, and mind. 

For so long I feel I have been on internal high alert, a level of tension and extreme awareness just there, keeping me safe. Or so I tell myself. Watching, and continually evaluating whether or not someone is safe to be myself with, whether I can trust them enough to let down my guard and be deep with them. Keeping the delicate balance of revealing enough about myself to let people know who I am, but not so much that they get close or see the entire me.

Of course, this is the result of being emotionally battered and bruised over the last tough season of my life, where disruption came from all sides, giving me the distinct impression that I could never let down my guard, as that was just an invitation to attack.

I learned the hard way over the last decade or so, that being vulnerable does not in fact garner respect, but only serves to make people feel superior and treat you badly because they can. It’s unfortunate that there are huge pockets of society where people see weakness as something to be taken advantage of or scorned. 

People who reveal themselves as vulnerable on some level are easy prey for bullies of all ages. Despite all the “rah-rah-we-care-about-mental-health” B.S that gets thrown around, people may agree when they hear these things because it fits the narrative that they are “good people”, but they don’t see themselves as the problem, and their “harmless comments” are freely thrown around. It is a noticeable and disturbing disconnect between thoughts, words, and actions that is all around us. We will never be able to control bullying in schools if we can’t even control what we say to each other. 

I know there are communities where vulnerability is given space and support, and a friend who happens to belong to one of these communities (on the other side of the globe) encouraged me strongly to remain open and be vulnerable, as it was the only way, and that made sense to me.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t anywhere that idea was honored or made sense to anyone around me, and I basically rolled myself in blood and went swimming with sharks. Amazing how devastating being completely honest and transparent with the wrong people can be. 

Those are big lessons for sure. I would tell myself that because I had never experienced such treatment from so-called friends or apparently trusted co-workers before, it meant I had transcended previous life lessons and was on to a whole bunch of new ones. As much effort as I put into reframing it, that didn’t help at all.  

It sure stings when four or five people including your spouse, consecutively and proverbially crap on you, destroying your job, your closest relationships, and feelings of security in one fell swoop. 

I know, I know, I hear the questions from here; how close were those relationships really if the trust you previously had in that person or situation can be destroyed so easily? In my naivety, I trust people until they give me a reason not to. Grave mistake considering the region I was in.

The self-doubt creeps in, and you start asking yourself big questions, like; have I just been completely delusional this whole time? Not trusting your own perception or evaluation of a situation is pretty unnerving on a good day, and completely soul-destroying on a bad one.

With the nagging thought that I was being low-key gaslit, I took it as a sign from the universe/God/Source Energy that it was time to go within and remember who I was because I had found myself feeling like an outsider not having anything in common with the people I saw around me. And not just the cutesy “we don’t like the same music/food/sports but we’ll agree to disagree” reasons, but the big ones involving fidelity, honesty, and trust. Yes, looking back the universe was cleaning house on my behalf. But it really sucked at the time. 

It wasn’t until I finally got to take a trip home with my son and felt the love and reciprocal energy from people who just love me and accept me, that I realized the depth of the survival state I had been existing in. I thought I had already come so far on my journey back to me, but I realized I was barely halfway through (or maybe closer to two-thirds). I also had a new understanding of exactly what is meant by “finding yourself”, unfortunately, it’s been so overused and cliched that it kind of doesn’t mean anything anymore. And I cringe when I write it.

Except those are the words that describe the process, and it is legitimate. Periodically in life, you may find yourself in a place where you don’t know who you are, what you want, or even what you like. Sure there are inevitably a hundred other things going on to end up in that position, but when you realize you don’t even know yourself, it sets up an internal friction, which festers. Getting to travel home with my son and readjust my perspective again, was like my soul took a deep breath and started to relax. Once I returned to the country I currently call home I started working consciously to peel away those self-protective barriers and layers.

Like so much about ourselves though, it’s not until you put in some serious effort into figuring out what is up with yourself, do you even notice.

I am continually surprised at how deep those layers go and how locked down I have been. I’m realizing we all suffer varying levels of PTSD in the aftermath of the breakdown of long-term relationships, and experiencing firsthand how truly devastating divorce can be from the initial opting out by one partner to the toxic arguments and interactions and on and on until there are two separate people, surprises me that there is not more emphasis on mental health during that time in a persons life. 

It really encourages an adult to retreat, from everything and everyone. If not physically at least emotionally.

Or to escape with an addiction of some sort. Something that offers a distraction from one’s own thoughts and feelings.

It would just be so easy to disappear into my own head, with books, and writing, and art, and animals, and plants, and not have to deal with anyone.

Except I realize I do not want to do that. 

Having connected with a couple of completely unexpected people this year (one a life coach, and one I have known for a long time) has reminded me that it feels pretty gosh darn great to have someone on my side, and in my corner, who holds up the mirror and says “Look! You’re outstanding!” People who are good to me and good for me, and bring me peace on a level that I have not experienced before. 

People who just kind of snuck up on me, right when I was quite satisfied with the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. That’s generally how that works, isn’t it? When you are happy on your own, your true tribe comes along. I feel calmer and more stable than I’ve ever felt on levels I didn’t know I had. And so relieved.

You have to keep going when it feels like life has unfairly thrown you off the bus, because the only way out is through, and what’s on the other side can be more incredible than you imagine. 

I know that too can sound trite, but it’s true. I believe we are here to grow and evolve like every living thing. We are not here to stagnate and die, even if it feels like it sometimes.

And hence, it makes it so much easier to do what’s good for me.