I used to think that if I could not stick to a plan and see it through, that meant I could not follow through, or finish anything. And that I was lazy and had no drive.
This belief was reinforced by false narratives I heard from the adults around me as I was growing up, and even the people around me after I left home and as a young adult.
It did not occur to me that they were judging me from their own experiences and ideas, my own critical thinking was not fully activated until I was older. Raised with a solid “respect your elders” mindset, any doubt I had in another’s opinion (especially older and thus should know better) was kept to myself. The few times I did bring it up, I was quickly “put in my place.”I was also yet to learn that another person’s opinion is just that: their opinion not mine.
However, I have lived enough of my own life now to realize that altering a plan once you have started it is not a terrible thing, it is merely course correction. So often you do not know what is going to work or how it’s going to work until you start – it’s the starting that reveals the journey.
When I was in my 20’s I remember reading something explaining life like this: Life is like driving at night, you can’t see the road ahead, you can only see as far as your headlights shine, but you have faith the road is there and you keep driving, only seeing 200 feet at a time. If there is something on the road, you drive around it, if visibility is diminished for whatever reason, you slow down. But the point is you keep going. You can drive cross country at night using only commonsense and your headlights, lighting up the next 200 feet and then the next 200 feet, all the way until you reach your destination.
That analogy really stuck with me. Of course, you don’t know what’s ahead until it comes within the path of your headlights, and of course, you can turn the wheel or slow your speed to accommodate these things. Duh.
And the more you look around, the more you realize course correction is a vital part of life and is unquestioned when it comes to transportation issues. Did the road wash out? Go a different way. The plane can’t take off because of ice on the wings? Send the de-icing truck. Accident on the interstate? Slow down until we get past. Even space shuttles course correct, constantly, it is an integral part of the mission. Nobody berates the astronauts, pilots, or drivers in those situations. In fact, NASA has a whole team of engineers continually making calculations of varying degrees for course corrections all the time. Nobody says that they are “lazy” or “can never finish anything” when those things happen. So why do we judge ourselves and each other so harshly? Seldom can we go in a straight line from where we want to be.
Why do we think we should be able to? I find it interesting that somehow, we get through school thinking everything must be only one way and it must unfold exactly as we imagine or plan in the very beginning and if it doesn’t go that way exactly, we have failed.
But here’s the kicker, hardly anything ever unfolds the way we think it should. Ever.
And filling our heads and hearts with the lie that we should be doing more to force the outcome to be exactly as we initially planned does not help. We face enough expectations without adding more to them. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t expect any results in our lives, but we do need to keep it realistic.
Saying “I expect that I will do my best and make the best decision when the moment dictates” is quite different from filling your head with “I should be further along by now”, “I should be making this much money by now,” “I must do this…” etc., etc. which only seems to add to the feelings of failure and inadequacy. None of which helps.
I think we need to change our perspective, to focus on the journey, not the results. I’m not encouraging anyone to lose sight of their results or end goals, but let your mind be flexible in the journey.
We need to remind ourselves that the road often changes, and thus, we need to change with it too. And that is OK. Sometimes there are detours and delays. Small tweaks along the way may not have been part of our original plan but are an entirely normal part of any journey. And we need to teach our children this as well.
I used to know someone who would mentally freak out and stop all forward momentum if a part of the plan did not go the way she thought it should. She would effectively give up and slot it into her “I never succeed at anything so what’s the point of even trying” mental folder, giving herself more fuel to see that she was incapable of finishing anything and therefore “useless “and “unworthy” of success of any kind. This, along with well-meaning peers and family members’ thoughts, would leave her feeling inadequate and futile, so she would give up. Belittling herself mentally and drowning in a tidal wave of self-doubt that her ideas were stupid because nobody else understood what she was envisioning.
When what she needed was the mental flexibility to give herself grace and course correction along the way. To understand that maybe they did not share her ideas or vision and that quite often, people do not want you to bust out of the little box they have slotted you in to and will not encourage you to follow a dream.
Over time though once she knew better, she did better. Not confiding in people that should not be confided in was a big one. Not everyone is going to be happy for you, not everyone is going to share your ideas, dreams, and desires.
Once she realized that we are all doing the best we can, (and hardly anyone knows what they are doing anyway) she could almost feel the relief and self-acceptance that she was just fine, there was nothing wrong with her.
So, she set off in a new direction, hopeful and open-minded, remembering that it’s never too late and we are never too old. Feeling so much more content and satisfied with herself and her journey. With curiosity rather than expectation. It was amazing.
Also, she was me.
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