Adult Friends.

Why is it so hard to make and retain friends as an adult female?

Of all the problems I have experienced in life, making and keeping friends was never one of them. I still have friends from all previous phases of my life, so I’m grateful for that, but we are so geographically distant, that it’s hard to hang out when you aren’t in the same time zone

For whatever reason, since I’ve been in the south, I find it difficult. I haven’t found it to be the friendly south as purported in movies and stereotypes of this area of the U.S.A. I don’t know if it’s an emotional, maturity, geographical or societal issue.

Maybe it would be different if I was half of a couple, I don’t know. Although, even when I was part of a couple, I got to experience all the crappy side of female friendships; lying, backstabbing, jealousy, betrayal, and judgment. All the nastiness that, up until that point in life, I had witnessed but never experienced. So I must admit, since moving to a different area, I have been optimistic but cautious. Although only being here for 6 months before the world shut down didn’t help.

Sure, people are curious, but there’s a difference between being interested in you because they want to slot you into a tidy mental box or someone is interested in you because they want to be friends with you. – It took me a while to understand that one. I think because I was so starved for real friendship, I took people wanting to talk to me as a sign of them wanting to be friends. And using the adage “if you want friends, you have to be a friend.” Except they’d never return texts or want to hang out. Or I’d discover through the joys of social media that they had done or gone somewhere after all; they obviously just didn’t want to go with me. Ok.

I get it, though; there is so much expected of us as women, regardless of the income bracket. Always at least a dozen things to do, carrying the mental load of the household is no joke. And since the pandemic, when so many women’s workloads increased exponentially, it never really returned to pre-pandemic levels. So I understand that a lot of women just don’t have the mental and emotional room to make new friends.

It also seems that most couples are on such shaky ground that they do not permit themselves to be friends with unmarried/uncoupled people. Even if you never meet the spouse.

So, my friends are other divorced women. But as our families’ primary caregivers, taxis, and breadwinners, it is difficult to find a window of time to see each other. And then, once they partner up (because that seems to be the main goal in life), any same-sex friendships get pushed even further down the priority list.

There are no dinners, drinks, or outings, we all have different work schedules, and then our kids have schedules, and when there is a window of free time, often it’s just too much to get my head around; I’m exhausted and want to do nothing. Let alone organize some sort of outing or meal, or event.

I miss hanging out at people’s houses though; no one hangs out at each other’s homes anymore either. – Is that just a happy memory I have from growing up in a different country? Or living in a different state that wasn’t in the south? The one where parents would go to a friend’s house, and the kids would all run around while the moms hung out?

I have spent a lot of time analyzing this and trying to find solutions – because I’m a fixer, you know see a problem in life? Fix it! There doesn’t appear to be an easy fix on this one.

Who would have thought it would be so difficult to keep friends as an adult? Is it a hangover of the pandemic? Or the result of being a working divorced woman? Stretched thin in all directions. Add the fact that I am actively learning the skills needed to change direction and build a new career for myself; I have come to realize that the problem is me. (Isn’t it always?) I have decided to give up making new friends in the area at present. I really need my mental and emotional energy for other things. Although, sometimes I still think it would just be nice to go to a friend’s house and hang out for an afternoon or evening.

I do have friends online, so there’s that. Thank goodness for the internet and social media. Surrounded by a support system of friends new and old in multiple time zones online, a modern version of pen pals. I guess it’s just the world we live in; transitioning from face-to-face interactions to virtual is a sign of the times. That’s O.K with me, I guess. At least I have contact with people outside of work and motherhood responsibilities. It’s just weird sometimes.