So here’s a seldom acknowledged, not freely talked about issue in marriages:
In marriage and relationships, once the children arrive things are irrevocably altered between the adults. Well duh…you’d hope things would be altered, bringing another human in the world to share your lives should warrant a change. A terrifying, incredible, miraculous change.
Although, often the glory of new life creates a wedge in a previously solid relationship, as exhaustion and frustration become the norm, and it becomes more pronounced as the mother becomes overwhelmed, over-stimulated, and exhausted trying to “do it all”, while the father strictly adheres to conventional expectations.
Often it feels to the primary caregiver like their partner forgot that once they were equals, both working and keeping the house together, and the heartbreak and resentment come not just from the unwillingness of one partner to acknowledge the workload, but the willful ignorance when one refuses to remember their partners as lovers, and friends anymore. Usually, it is the mother, in a foreign body, suddenly without a moment to herself. No time for self-care or even sleep.
Stereotypically, it is the father who has the blinders firmly in place. As a mother, it is a strange and unsettling place to be. And often leaves one with the feeling that by having a baby, she has unwittingly been put into a convenient box by her husband and those around them. No longer seen as an individual, but only as a mother and caretaker of everything. Often also forced to carry the mental and emotional load of the family.
Parenthood is a lifelong journey filled with joy, love, and challenges, but when the antiquated ideas of gender roles (men being the breadwinner etc,) are confirmed without question, the burden of parenting disproportionately falls on the mother.
The unequal distribution of responsibilities can cause deep-rooted issues in relationships, as the primary caregiver experiences a lack of support leading to dissatisfaction, emotional disconnection, and even a complete break in the relationship.
When mothers are left to shoulder most of the parenting responsibilities, caring for a child’s physical, intellectual, and emotional needs, as well as usually still working, they experience a seemingly never-ending flow of stress, exhaustion, and burnout. When dad finishes work, he goes home and relaxes, when mom finishes work she usually has another 5 or 6 hours of work ahead of her when she gets home. She has no time for herself, finding it difficult to even shower some nights before collapsing into bed to have broken sleep before rinsing and repeating, for years.
The “new reality” and emotional toll can result in feelings of inadequacy and frustration, especially if comparing oneself to the perfectly curated mothers who seemingly have it all on social media. Additionally, mothers often find it difficult to maintain their personal identity, individuality, and career aspirations, being forced to sacrifice their own goals for the sake of fulfilling gender roles.
I remember reading somewhere after I had my son, that a woman’s brain is altered with pregnancy and childbirth, undergoing more changes than during adolescence, this is no doubt evolution’s way of ensuring the continuation of species. Personally, I found it such a relief to read because witnessing your own changes not only to my body but also my thought processes and thinking in general, is bewildering and not routinely talked about, beyond the jokingly referred to “mommy brain”. But it makes sense that diverting seemingly inconsequential areas of info and brain matter enables the mother to focus and bond with the baby, understanding and providing for its wants and needs.
When the father is disconnected from child rearing, often judgmental of his partner’s change in cognitive abilities for a time, the emotional bond between mother and child tends to become stronger, while often the father-child relationship suffers. The emotional distance caused by not being available for the child through all of life’s challenges and triumphs no matter how big or small also causes the foundation of the adult relationship to become eroded.
This is a frustrating dance and often even though you are right in the middle of it, it is not until a conscious healthy intervention occurs that things can change for both partners. Often the man feels neglected and like he’s “lost” his partner to the baby. I can’t help but feel this is a ridiculously immature way to view parenthood, and the question of emotional maturity in boys comes to the fore here. How is it that we are raising men to be so emotionally fragile that they think the best way to be a dad is not to support their woman while she is on duty 24/7/365? I guess that’s another question for another time.
Most of the time, it was because that was what they grew up with. We can talk “at” our kids as much as we want, but ultimately it’s what we model for them, every day, in every situation that teaches them the way to function in relationships, unless of course, they are so dissatisfied and aware as kids that they make a deliberate effort to alter the dynamic.
When children witness their father’s disengagement in parenting and their mother’s growing resentment, this is how they think adult relationships work. What we model every day sends powerful messages about traditional gender roles and reinforces the idea that certain tasks are only suited for one gender.
Now that my own son is a teen, and I have been divorced from his dad for a few years, he sees the way I choose to live, being accountable for my surroundings, encouraging conversations about personal responsibility and being a team in the house, etc, and how his father chooses to live. He draws his own comparisons and opinions and is old enough now to have some really good questions and thoughts about it. I am aware of the ideology we have modeled for him and that it was not all healthy (obviously, hence the divorce). He has also watched us find neutral ground again and sees how, just because an intimate relationship has ended, people can still move forward and be in each other’s lives constructively.
We talk a lot about what makes a relationship work: mutual support, willingness to understand each other’s views, and a shared sense of responsibility. That a relationship is a team, working together, not against one another in a weird game of control and manipulation. I hope that by challenging traditional norms, he will recognize that being flexible in gender roles and stereotypes, resulting in a satisfying and mutually respectful partnership.
Of course, it will not all be sunshine and roses, but I’m teaching him how to navigate that too. How to communicate and recognize that when one person is weak in themselves in a relationship that is the time to be compassionate and kind, not attacky and mean. (Yes, I just made up a word.)
Most of all, how important healthy communication is.
The destructive impact of traditional gender roles cannot be overlooked, the burden placed on mothers to manage the majority of parenting can lead to complete marriage and mental breakdown.
To create healthier and more fulfilling relationships and a healthy environment for all it is essential to challenge these outdated norms, encourage shared parenting and promote empathy between the parents, sure it sounds simple, but how do you actually DO that?
I’m not trained in marriage guidance, and aside from my own experiences and research, this is where it gets difficult.
Sure it’s great to read and agree with a random essay, but how do you actually change these things?
It’s a long road for sure, needing two people who are aware and willing to alter the dynamic that they were raised with.
Is it impossible? I don’t think so, but it does take two people willing to take responsibility for themselves, who can communicate openly and honestly with each other, the good and the bad, and who are willing to put in the effort daily to raise the next generation with awareness and love.
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