I’ve become aware of something lately. The telltale signs of living longer and general wear and tear in my body are becoming harder to ignore. And I realize, as I witness my gradual shift, that I am not ready to be old. Or, more accurately, I’m not ready to feel my body slow down and wear out.
Because I’m just not. And aging is so hard on women.
Logically, I know it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, but hear me out.
I’m not ready for sore bones and aches and pains, I’m not ready for wrinkles and a lack of elasticity and collagen, I’m not ready to see my vehicle for this incarnation age and get worn down. Because that’s all our bodies are when you really think about it. Vehicles for our souls. I find it ironic that in the last four or five years, I have reached a point in my existence where I appreciate and value my body (instead of punishing, judging, and berating it, as I had for a lot of my life) just as it is starting to slow down and demand more care and attention from me. Perfect timing I guess. Finally ready to listen to it, take care of it, and treat it like the miracle it is.
I find it funny that I have also discovered (and much to my own dismay), that diet and exercise is the secret remedy to my remaining pain-free and feeling good in my body.
And yes, I cringe when I say that too. But it’s true.
Whoever came up with “a body in motion, stays in motion” was not kidding. I am always so impressed by how regular 30-minute workouts take away those stiff and creaky bones, and the difference just ten minutes of yin yoga (stretching) in the morning makes on my day is ridiculous.
I have also discovered that paying attention to what I eat and how it makes me feel helps a whole lot too. Spending a little bit of time learning about nutrition and paying attention when my body sends me very strong signals that it is not happy, has been life-changing. I find I have moved past the desire to watch my diet and exercise for aesthetic reasons (not that I had much luck with that) and now I do it because it makes my body feel good.
And my body deserves to feel good! It has been a faithful friend, just keeping on doing its best to do what I expected of it, regardless of the neglect and outright abuse I subjected it to over the years. Remembering from about ages 17 through 34 of my life, all the physical demands, overwork, terrible nutrition, partying, drinking, smoking, and lack of sleep, (that would all make me feel terrible), and then my pig-headed defiance to make my body obey, just medicate or falsely energize any pain or discomfort away makes me feel sad I didn’t respect my body earlier on in my life.
Thank goodness for pregnancy which snapped me back to taking care of my body, well, at least while I was pregnant and then breastfeeding. I mean it’s one thing to destroy my own body through my haphazard lifestyle, but I would not do that to my baby. Wow, with all the crazy shit in the world, I really wanted to give him the gift of a strong, healthy body to grow with him and carry him through life.
It’s almost funny how we are lied to and falsely informed about our bodies, from early on, and our perceptions of ourselves are continually distorted, so much so that many people think they are only their bodies.
Only their bodies.
And that’s the way they relate to the people and the world around them too. Thinking that once you age beyond the optimal-attractiveness-amount-of-advertising-friendly- predetermined-years that you are of no use anymore. It is reinforced by what we watch, buy, and judge.
It alarms me that we live in a world of people who believe this, and they do not seem to know that we are so much more. Especially as we live longer and we become more experienced and capable. I think part of the reason we are so energetic and attractive when we are younger is that we waste so much time rushing around and making mistakes. (Or, building your dreams or family if that’s what you wanted.)
But it’s not all terrible, and I’ll tell you what I am ready for. A blissful switch of focus.
I am ready for confidence; in myself, my intuition, and my dreams. I am ready for my soul and personality to continue evolving, I’m ready for wisdom.
I am ready to confidently avoid anyone that tries to run over me with their messed up thoughts and opinions, I am ready to not accept timewasters, and when they do make an appearance, I’m ready to tell them to stop talking or just walk away, or both. I am ready to be peaceful and not choose sides, except when it really matters. I am ready to step into my glorious amazing self and to recognize and honor my strengths. I’m ready to not shrink to fit others’ ideas of me and to shamelessly run towards the ones that do.
I am ready to step into my own glorious power to lift others and share thoughts and knowledge with them. I am ready to say No when I don’t want to be part of something and Yes when I do. I am ready to stand up for others because I know my voice is just as valid as anyone else’s
I am ready to live my life on my terms and not feel obliged to shrink myself so that another might not feel less. I am ready to trust myself.
I have stopped dumbing myself down to not sound …? What? Like I know what I’m talking about?
I have been broken and betrayed and put myself back together. I have won some and lost some and made some stupid mistakes. I’ve also made some incredible spur-of-the-moment decisions, that positively impacted my life for decades. I can truly recognize the genuine people in my life and I understand the logic behind keeping your circle small.
I do not need others’ approval. And I’ve also learned I can do a whole lot by myself.
I am ready to acknowledge my strengths and know my weaknesses, and what I need to mitigate the waves of self-doubt and low self-esteem that still occasionally come knocking at my door.
I am ready for intelligent discussions about emotions and holding space for each other. For not creating drama because I couldn’t express or communicate my feelings effectively. And I’m ready to encourage that in those close to me.
And even though I lament the end of the youthful physical part of life, I am more than ready to acknowledge the cerebral, and deeply spiritual, that only years of living can bring.
And that’s a pretty good trade.
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