There was a hot topic of conversation in our house this weekend, it was: “why does everyone take stuff so personally and then try to involve everyone else to make something that was not their concern in the first place suddenly the main thing for everyone?” 

My son has good questions and valid observations about life and people, and I love it when he comes to me with these sorts of questions, as it always starts some interesting conversations, but I find it hard to explain stuff I don’t really understand. Especially things I don’t understand about people’s mindsets. I try to see both sides of every story and encourage him to see both sides too, (even if I do not agree with both sides’ views),  but sometimes, I just can not understand the decisions other people make. We talk about that too. 

I think it’s because I have spent a whole lot of my life actively avoiding drama and gossip but still having to deal with these things by association with the people close to me, it has taught me the value of staying in your own lane. And that my boundaries are important. And sometimes it’s just better to keep your business to yourself and give others that same respect. 

People flapping their gums about other people and situations that they are on the perimeter of, but feel entitled to talk to other people about in detail and have emotional reactions to is one of those things.

There seems to be a never-ending shitstorm of judgment, indignation, and people deciding they’ve been offended in some way so you should be offended too. And if you aren’t, they will generally get more outlandish with their stories until they get a reaction. 

I blame the media, social and otherwise. Somehow we have arrived at a time where most web browser “news headlines” are really just the media’s attempt at salacious engagement. 

Extreme headlines often don’t even contain anything in the story that relates to the headline. Knowing most people don’t read past the first paragraph to discover the story, most people carry the headline as the thing. Besides the fact that this is a malicious crowd and thought control tactic, it’s also insulting.

And kind of tragic that we accept our views as fed to us by false headlines and fake news.

The trickle-down effect in our everyday lives has far-reaching consequences too, people are having big reactions and emotions about things that are simply not their business.

Example: At work, we had an employee who was let go, but still had expensive work property that he was supposed to bring back in a timely manner, after day 2, our boss called him to request the return of said property and the guy was drunk and tore the boss a new one. Yelling abuse and f-bombs etc is the way people usually act when called out these days. Which of course resulted in our boss yelling right back. 

(Also – why is everybody so entitled? I seem to remember being taught, not that long ago, that when you did something wrong you took responsibility for it and did your best to make it right. Definitely not make it worse. What happened to integrity?  Another topic for another day I guess.) 

So, long story short, another member of staff was present (in the next-door office), heard the whole thing, and freaked out. He, and everybody else in that office, got to hear the loud and abuse-filled conversation. (Is it called eavesdropping when the entire office gets to hear one side of  an f-bomb-laden phone call at work?) It had nothing to do with him and he was not part of the situation, except for hearing it. 

This staff member then had to come to our office and got caught in traffic along the way, so sat in traffic for 40 minutes going over the events he had just heard over and over until it was firmly entrenched in his mind.  By the time he arrived at our office, he was an emotional wreck, pacing the hall, wringing his hands, and just generally spreading his over-the-top anxious vibe like glitter through the office. 

At first, I was sympathetic, but soon realized he was freaked out because he overheard a conversation where people lost control and were yelling at each and the police had to be called to retrieve company property. 

Even when I tried to put myself in his place (he’s young, and kind of anxious anyway, maybe he has some PTSD around this sort of thing – because you never really know.) But I just couldn’t make the connection. Even as he was telling me what happened, I kept waiting for the terrible part where he was suddenly sucked into the situation. He wasn’t.

I couldn’t relate, it did not concern me, why would it warrant my emotional energy and headspace? Obviously, I didn’t say that to him. Maybe it’s a generational thing, growing up in the Gen-X era, one became accustomed to bosses screaming abuse at people. I guess emotional self-regulation hasn’t really been a thing until recently. That does not happen (much) anymore (the bosses screaming abuse part).

Similarly, last Easter weekend, a co-worker’s grandson was in a motorcycle accident, a car changing lanes on the freeway didn’t see him and knocked him off his bike, he rolled across the hood, and bounced off the windshield before sliding across the road on his back, almost getting run over by a pickup truck. Back at work after the long weekend, this woman was literally wailing at her desk. Wailing. When I asked her what had happened, she hiccuped and sobbed and told me that her grandson had been in a wreck on his motorbike. The way she told the story, I thought he had died, and reached out to pat her arm and offer my condolences. I was just about to ask when the funeral was and she said “I’m going to tell him to sell that bike when I see him!”  

Wait, what? 

He had been wearing full protective gear and walked himself into the ambulance, where he was taken to the hospital, checked over, and released the same day.

I did not understand how she was so upset three days later. Three. Days. Her husband even stopped by to take her out to lunch because she was so distraught. W.T. F. She is part of the boomer generation, where it has always been all about them anyway, so I thought that may have contributed to her over-the-top reaction. 

But I still don’t get it. It looked to me from the outside that she was so enraptured with the attention she just couldn’t stop herself.

These are small examples, but there are so many we see play out every day. Trolls anonymously attack people on social media with so much judgment and hate, over things that do not concern them. At all. Ever.

I know we all process things differently but choosing to affect your own mental health by ruminating on the bad stuff, even if it does not affect you, is not healthy. Is anyone taught that anymore? At home or elsewhere? Why is self-regulation so difficult for people? Why are we not encouraged as a society to recognize when we are being triggered and take a moment to decide if it is any of our concern?  

In my country, we have plenty of sayings and names (to be fair I have been out of the country for most of 20 years, and I know things change within a culture, but I’m pretty sure this one still stands), about people keeping their noses in their own business, because you just should keep your nose out of other people’s business. 

Stickybeaks, nosy parkers, pot stirrers, muckrakers, and gossips are not welcome in decent conversations in New Zealand (or didn’t used to be – see observation above), I find it interesting that are they so accepted here.

There are many small but significant cultural differences between countries, and the one about keeping your unhelpful/negative/judgemental views to yourself doesn’t seem to be such a popular thought here in the U.S.

(Yes, I know I’m making a sweeping generalization, but it’s called a stereotype for a reason.)

Sensationalism rules. The general public sure seems to spend a lot of energy living vicariously, having opinions and big emotions about people and situations that do not have anything to do with them. I mean sure the woman whose grandson was in an accident is concerned for her family and everything, but she was letting herself be impacted by it longer than he was. 

Your brain is yours to control people, you tell it what you want it to think and do, not the other way around. And wouldn’t the better choice of reaction be one of gratitude? Perhaps a renewed dose of faith in a higher power?

It’s so odd because the things that deserve people’s thoughts and energy do not get people’s heartfelt emotions and energy. School shootings, gun control, inflation, child abuse, human trafficking, and women’s rights to control their own bodies are merely the tip of the iceberg. Is it that people don’t know how to distribute their concerns to the correct areas or that they only choose to have reactions to things where they are sure they will have an impact? Or where they feel they will get attention? Or is it even that deep?

I can’t help but think that amount of indignation and outrage would be well directed to be able to make a difference in important issues. Or at least give them the energy to go and vote. 

But then who decides what the important issues are? In my mind taking stock of what sort of planet we will be leaving for our children, and children’s children is a huge one. 

Will they have clean water to drink or swim in? Will they be able to go outside and play in the sunshine? Will they be able to swim in the sea? Will they be able to go to school or out anywhere in public without being shot? Will they be able to learn about history, what actually happened – all the savage dominance and inhumanity, and raping and pillaging and suppression, so that it is not repeated? Why do people have to be told how to think? 

Are we nearing a time when critical thinking will be outlawed? I look around and see it is not encouraged. I teach my son the value of casting a critical eye on the things that demand an emotional reaction and we talk about the fact that he has a choice. He does not have to be swept away with the mob in an emotional judgment wave, firing hatred and criticism at things that have nothing to do with him. 

But I realize as a teen, he is literally in the phase of life where other people’s opinions and thoughts do have a big impact, but I figure if I can instill in him a healthy skepticism, hopefully, that will be able to keep him sane and see the value of remaining in his own lane. Hopefully.