I have a genuine question. In your reality, can men and women be friends? 

As a kid, I had a mixed group of friends, I went to boy’s as well as girl’s birthday parties, and right through my teenage years, I was part of a solid mixed group of friends – most of which I am still friends with today. 

When I left home and was out flatting, I usually shared a house with boys as well as girls and we all had the same mindset; brothers and sisters getting through life together. We had each other’s backs. It was great to have friends of the opposite sex to compare dating and conquest stories with, it provided perspective on relationships.

Sure, occasionally one would be a “friend with benefits” but that was all it was. You could communicate honestly and sort shit out. And the friendship endured.

It wasn’t until I was around 20 and in my first serious live-in boyfriend relationship that we were fighting one time and he told me that my male friends were only my friends because they just wanted to fuck me but I had “friend-zoned” them. He also said I was stupid for thinking otherwise.

That was so unexpected, I did not know what to say. I was stunned. Was this true? Had I really been that stupid? 

Obviously now with the wisdom and experience of time, I can easily see that those words were a direct reflection of his own jealousy and control issues. Thrown at me to inflict damage. Which they did, and I pulled away from my closest male friends, in case my boyfriend was right. 

I felt pretty certain he was wrong, but what if I really was as blind and dumb as he said I was? The seeds of doubt about my own ability to correctly assess other people’s intentions towards me had been sown and I retreated somewhat, feeling self-conscious when innocently interacting with other men and even around co-workers. 

Oh, man. I just want to reach back and give the younger version of myself a big hug sometimes. But you can’t do better until you know better, and I spent years withholding myself in social situations because I didn’t want to give anyone – let alone my boyfriend “the wrong idea.”

After we broke up, seven years later, I fell back in with male friends, and it was nice to feel surrounded by a bunch of brothers once more. I knew then, that my vibes were seldom wrong about people, and it was the boyfriend who had been wrong. Not going to lie, I was salty for a while though, as I processed the entire break-up, separating myself from him and thinking about how I let him mess with my head.

For the next few years, I had lots of people who were friends, it was great and normal. I ended up moving to Colorado and got married. He had lots of people who were friends too. Life was good. 

The cracks didn’t start to show until we’d been married for about 16 years and we settled in an area where everyone generally thought that the only reason someone was friendly and nice to you in some way, was because they were attracted to you. This includes but is not limited to coworkers, customer service, restaurant and bar staff, and any other person in any professional capacity who gets paid to be nice to people.

And so I learned the shitty lesson, that unless your marriage is as solid as the Obama’s, you’re screwed. Ours was not, and long story short, we’re divorced now.

Because having people who do not respect a marriage when it’s going through a rough patch, combined with alcohol and endless partying does not make a secure partnership. 

I’ve noticed there seem to be two distinct mindsets around this.

One mindset sees people as, well, people: interesting to talk to or fun to hang out with, they share the same mindset, hobbies, or experiences, and they are easy to be around and have a laugh with. They can be men or women, it doesn’t matter, as the common thread is friendship and enjoyment of each other’s company. This is the mindset I grew up with, so it makes sense to me. These are the people secure in themselves and their relationships, knowing that their intentions are true and they are honest with themselves and others. There are no “fuzzy lines.”

Then there’s the second mindset. 

They see gender first and foremost in their approach to other people. It is through this lens that they approach every interaction, if someone of the opposite sex is being friendly and chatting to you they obviously want you in some way…whether it’s a one-night stand (or several), dating, marriage, or long term commitment, they view every person with this in mind. If you are too old or too young (according to their personal tastes), too headstrong, or fail to meet their ideal of attractiveness, then they are entitled to treat others poorly. 

Quite often they have evaluated a person’s potential to be of use to them before they even open their mouth. Then once the decision is set in stone in their minds, that’s it. They will never view them as an equal or even someone worthy of their respect, because, well, why should they?

They know everything about everyone apparently, and no amount of validation will change that. They also know everything about you and have the arrogance to go ahead and presume that you don’t know anything – including the first thing about mutual attraction – and lucky for everybody they are there to tell you how things really are. According to them. This is funny because the whole world is how it is according to us. But where does it come from?

Like everything, behaviors are modeled and taught. Mindsets are either consciously or unconsciously passed down from generation to generation. I have had reason to look a this lately as my son is now in middle school, where the second mindset is predominant, but not overwhelming. 

He has a lot of questions about why people hold the second viewpoint and I don’t have many answers. Besides just talking about it, it doesn’t make sense to him, or me actually.

I know I’m simplifying this a whole lot, and of course, there are so many more factors that play into this idea, but from your own experiences in life – where do you see your mindset?