Never Too Late

I’ve always done things in my own time. Some could say late, I have been aware of societal norms about time and the seemingly correct ages to do or achieve something. There are even parental bragging rights if your child is perceived as “advanced” furhter along for their age than the other kids the same age.

But as I have moved through life I realize these are just hollow standards set by goodness knows who. And, well, that’s never been my deal, I have never really fit in anywhere, always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Which is a fortunate place to be.

Sure I’ve had glorious moments in time – years even – when I did fit in somewhere, with others, who were just like me…not in the way we looked, but because of the way we thought, sharing the same sense of humor and views of the world. I was never one of those girls that looked like my friend group. My friend groups have never looked like each other either.

I have still spent an inordinate amount of time, feeling like I should be achieving, measuring myself against my peers. A disquieting feeling that I should be doing something else. I just didn’t know what it was. 

Sure I had a few random ideas; over time I have wanted to be an actor, an event planner, a tinker, a tailor, and a candlestick maker. (Joking about the last 3.) 

But not enough to fully commit to any of them, I could never actually see myself doing those things, it was like I was waiting for validation….but from who?

Getting married was also something I never imagined for myself, I spent most of my 20s with someone, and knew I did not want to marry or have children with him, despite my original thought that I would have a baby at 25 (before I met him – it was my own idea of the right time), I did not want to be attached to his family for 18 or so years, because it just didn’t feel right. And as 25 approached, I changed that plan. I was not ready. I came to realize there were still so many things I wanted to do before breeding, and so I set about doing them. 

I went back to school at 25 and learned a new career. At 29 I did my OE (overseas experience for those of you from areas of the world that do not travel or encourage it) and ended up living in a ski town in Colorado for 10 years,  I also learned how to snowboard when I was 29, a steep yet rapid learning curve where any thoughts I had of looking elegant or at least cool were thrown out the window. I got married when I was 30, it was a small casual affair after a 6-month romance which was fine with me. I was never one of those girls that had planned their fairytale princess wedding since they were young. 

I learned how to ride a motorbike when I was 32 and didn’t even start to think about having a baby until I was 35.

I didn’t buy my first home until I was in my 40s. 

If my 30s were about the joy and fun of life my 40s have been about the complete opposite, they have been a crazy heartbreaking mash of experiences; deep, meaningful, and unrelenting. Moved across the world and back again. Discovered all the soul-destroying vulnerability of betrayal, separation, addiction, divorce, and parenting through it all. Learned a new career, and set out towards that, I now understand how much more difficult it is to do so as a responsible adult.

How badly do I want it? There have been moments when I have seriously doubted my ability to keep it all together. But I know there is no other option. Because there just isn’t.

What I have also noticed is, that the longer I live, this becomes a bigger question, and at the risk of attempting to sound deep and meaningful – what is time anyway?

Units of measurement we all agree upon? A series of markers indicated by our bodies? And where do these expectations of achievements by a certain age within a certain time frame come from? 

These false societal norms only serve to act as silent judgment, something we mentally berate ourselves about, rendering ourselves invalid after a certain point, but as I’ve come to find out, it doesn’t matter. 

Or, in reality, it only matters if you decide it does. I’m in the process of letting go of these self-imposed judgments and restrictions, all they are doing is living rent-free in my head anyway, I am constantly reclaiming my thoughts and my head space. Because I have also come to realize, that it’s not a one-time thing to get rid of negative thoughts and dark-clouded thinking, it’s a continual process. 

I find I need to take the time to be selective in my thoughts every day. Every, Single. Day. Because I can do that, I recognize that they are just thoughts and thoughts can be changed. And with each day I feel better about my own timeline and remind myself that if I wasn’t doing what I wanted to follow my own heart/gut/intuition/spirit I’d be one year older when I did.

Now that’s something they should teach at school.