I like birthdays, well, I like my birthday, I don’t want big celebrations, but, similar to the end of every year, I like to reflect and take stock of what I’m doing and how far I’ve come in life.
I find I need to remind myself of my accomplishments and validate myself. Otherwise, I just drift along with the vague feeling that I could have or should have done more.
I like to take the day off and contemplate and chill, even if it just means lying around all day at home or somewhere near water, beach, or lake, I’m not fussed, or going for a hike somewhere – not really a hike, more of a walk in the woods. And of course an amazing meal at a great restaurant with stimulating conversation, a good bottle of wine, and like-minded people round it out nicely too. I do realize, however, that it doesn’t really matter, it’s not like there’s any monumental external shift as I mark the passing of another year.
Life is truly only what we make it. This includes your attitudes toward yourself and how many times you’ve been around the sun.
As my half-century mark is rapidly approaching, I find myself amazed that it came so quickly. Turns out everything the olds ever said about how fast time goes is true. Who’d of thought? Especially the part about time going even faster once you have a child. The days are long but the years are short I thought sounded like some trite attempt at depth until I experienced it myself. They were not wrong.
Not that I really doubted them, but it’s hard to take an older person’s opinion about time seriously when you are so filled with energy and your life stretches beyond you, an endless expanse of time to fill.
Also, I did not imagine myself being here in this area of the world, doing what I’m doing at this point in life. Does any woman ever imagine herself divorced, being a solo mom, working a full-time job, and establishing themselves in a new field at 49?
Honestly, at this point, I had thought the husband and I would be comfortable, starting to enjoy the fruits of our labor, still working hard, but being able to vacation and enjoy our time together, building our investments, secure in the history and love and life we had built, but, alas (dramatic sigh) it was not to be.
I know every point in life is merely temporary, a stepping stone, just a chapter in my book of life, and it is more important to me right now, that I provide a stable environment for my son as he goes through his teenage years. And truthfully, I am enjoying the opportunity to just be myself. At the risk of sounding corny, to rediscover me. I have been in serious relationships since I was 20, one for 7 years and after a short break, the next for 20. And because I was never entirely certain of what I wanted, I would put my half-assed ideas of what I wanted for my future aside and follow their lead. – Even if, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have.
But that’s ok, I’ve had a great life so far.
Recently I was asked what my greatest challenge was and that got me thinking.
What is a challenge? I’m interpreting that as a noun, and according to Miriam-Webster online dictionary, it is : a stimulating task or problem.
Of which I have many. (Although, as an adult, I feel our lives are mainly made up of challenges, and it’s how we rise to meet them that shapes us.) But my greatest challenge? Finding the time to do meaningful things. So much of life is taken up with have to’s and should’s and must’s, especially as a full-time job-holding mother. I have four souls under my care, with a total of 14 legs between them (my son, our dog, and two cats if you’re wondering.)
And what exactly are these meaningful things? Some days it’s having a clean house, other days it’s hitting send on the final draft of some writing work I’ve done for someone, on others still it’s having a really great conversation with someone. Like everything, it varies from day to day.
Presently my life is a delicate balancing act of alarms, organized mindfulness, and lists, working and driving my teenage son to his activities and school and picking him up and taking care of the house and our pets, all the while conscious of good nutrition; mentally, physically and spiritually. It’s an exercise in diligence, I have learned to rely on my inner guidance/intuition/spirit (call it whatever you feel most comfortable with) and do my best to move through each day with presence, ever hopeful I’ll reach the tipping point where it’ll just become second nature instead of something I have to work on and remind myself of on the daily.
I still find myself wondering what the hell I’m doing at times.
Recent Comments