As a kid, I used to keep a notebook titled: “THINGS I WILL NOT DO OR SAY TO MY CHILD WHEN I AM A PARENT” in big black letters.
I don’t remember exactly what was in it, every perceived slight against me by my mother I imagine – I was prone to dramatics at times. But basically, my mother and I were so different, there were very few times I ever felt like she was on my side. With anything.
I was a very responsible but very strong-willed yet sensitive child, and looking back I don’t think she knew what to do with me. I was never enough in some areas and way too much in others. We were never close. I was loved, but I was seldom supported and barely validated, if I was lucky enough to live up to her expectations I would have a moment of acceptance, but mainly it was just disappointment.
I don’t fault my mother, she did the best she could with what she had. As a solo mother raising two girls who were as different as night and day, she had her own stuff going on, and to be fair, self-analyzing one’s parenting style wasn’t a thing back then. It was the golden boomer age of ME, freedom for women, and divorce, with their offspring figuring most of it out on their own. And like most Gen- Xers, I’ve turned out just fine. Mostly.
Parenting must be the most difficult thing we do in life. Also the most rewarding. And, much like the individuals who start families, there are countless ways to be a parent.
I feel lucky that we live in a time where there are hundreds if not thousands of books, YouTube videos, articles, and magazines offering ideas and methods on how to parent the way you feel is best for your family. If you’re interested.
Because that’s what it comes down to, the way you feel is best for your family.
This has led to me periodically devouring parenting books as my son has grown, especially as he has transitioned to each new stage and I have found that something that felt right and worked a few months ago, doesn’t work anymore.
Baby to toddler, toddler to little kid, little kid to big kid, big kid to tween, and now as a young teenager. Always searching for what resonates with my own journey.
For a while, I thought it was “our” journey, but upon realizing that the other adult in the family was not concerned about parenting, and watching any ideas or suggestions by me be ignored or the opposite done, with no offerings of his own, I came to the understanding it was up to me. Simply because I wanted to be a conscious parent. It did not matter to him, he thought everything was fine. Frustrating at best, demoralizing at worst.
Nevertheless, I persisted, because I just can’t not, I’ve had all sorts of ideas and tried all sorts of methods, from the early days and attachment parenting, to attentive, and self governmental, I’ve continually learned and listened, read, and watched, checking out different experts, books, philosophies, Ted talks, and podcasts utilizing what resonates, leaving what does not. I realize that parenting is fluid, not fixed. My son is continually growing, evolving, and changing, and so am I.
I also realize we’ve reached the point where I am the tour guide in his life. In that role, it’s my responsibility to make sure he has the correct information about where he is going, and what he is doing, to lead him to new experiences and ensure he has the skills to be able to participate, to make sure he is safe, on time and fed. That he is informed. With a few cautionary tales from the more experienced human thrown in for good measure. And of course that he knows he is loved, no matter what and even if. And how he experiences and takes advantage of these things is up to him. That’s essentially it. Remarkably simple when it comes down to it.
I know he will make mistakes, that’s what he is supposed to do, I tell him all the time; mistakes are good. That’s how you learn. Unfortunately, he doesn’t hear that from many other sources, for some reason kids are supposed to know everything and be able to do everything, with no previous experience. Doesn’t anybody else think how stupid that is? When did we skip the instruction part?
I can’t tell him what to think or feel or how to perceive experiences. Sure, I can try to offer my opinions on stuff, but let’s face it, that doesn’t achieve much, he is his own person. He is not me. He is not my robot or my puppet. It’s only logical we will see things differently. In fact, I’m glad we do.
I can’t start to imagine how awful, yet slightly hilarious, it would be if my teenage son was walking around with the attitudes and viewpoints of his middle-aged mom.
As a teenager, he is coming into himself, and I want him to have the freedom to know he can be himself and feel his feelings at home, even if I don’t understand or agree.
Nobody likes to be told their feelings or perceptions are wrong, especially our kids. I think it’s where a lot of parents lose their children, not letting them speak freely or be themselves. Continuously trying to alter them in some way. Invalidating their perceptions and opinions. Telling them how to think or feel only serves to build resentment.
I think Khalil Gibran summed it up best:
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
[Khalil Gibran] ♥♥♥
Overall though, I have to believe we are all doing the best we can with what we have, and you can’t teach something you don’t know yourself.
Most of all I think a lot of people forget that our main job is to love them for the wonderful imperfect beings they are. The way they have loved us since they were born.
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